Have you ever noticed how sometimes when you are trying to find something you can’t find it and once you’re not looking for it you finally find it? Or when you are trying to remember something but you can’t until you no longer need the information? From my own personal experience, I can tell you that when it comes to find things it isn’t rare to find them only when you are not looking for them.
What many women and also men are taught by the entertainment industry and even by other people is to fight to find love, to live looking for their soul mates and that their lives will not be complete until they achieve that goal. This teaches many people to be completely obsessed with love and always keep in mind to find it. Or do we not have thousands of movies, books, TV shows and songs, a whole genre in almost every way of art, that is focused on love?
We live in a love-obsessed culture in which we live surrounded by magazines giving us advice on how to know if he/she is “the one” and that almost scream tips on how to achieve love.
While as an engaged woman I recognized that yes, love is a very nice thing to have your life, it is always good to keep in mind that loving and being loved is not like a movie or a song. The kiss during the wedding or that last kiss when one of the characters finally realizes that the other character was, in fact, his or her soul mate are not the climax of love. Romanticism is the porn or emotions, it shows you the best of everything which will make you have ridiculously high expectations and make things only harder for you once you realize that the real world does not work this way.
The thing about romantic entertainment and the people who base their romantic lives on things they have seen on this type of entertainment is the same kind of problems a person who tries to base sex life on porn has. It just doesn’t work when you have to practice it.
My whole life I always had clear ideas about love: it seemed complicated to deal with people when you are in a relationship and as a pessimist I didn’t want to make myself have high expectations or get involved in a relationship waiting for the moment in which it would inevitably end. My plan was to avoid love, marriage or any kind of romantic relationship. To me, if I ever was going to be in a relationship it would be with another girl and not precisely a romantic relationship, but something more like a purely sexual relationship.
Things ended up being quite different.
I ended up being engaged. To a man. And this man, by the way, is one of my best friends and had pretty similar ideas to mine about love. We both wanted to avoid marriage and relationships because instead of being encouraged by the romantic genre to live our lives chasing a ghost love, this made us want to stay away from it. It seemed like a lot of work and we both found it quite ridiculous to make entire existences revolve around one emotion.
The point I’m trying to make by talking about my own experience should not be confusing at this point: we were two people who found a thing millions are looking for by doing absolutely nothing. It’s even like the whole universe conspired against us to make us have something we strongly said we didn’t want.
After living through this myself and then seeing my other friends, both men and women, struggling to find perfect relationships and wondering how did we do it, I realized that maybe this could be one of the best ways to find love.
While I’m not saying that you should become me and be completely uninterested by love (I admit that I find this quite impressive myself, since the levels of hatred and repulsion I had for love were very high) I do think that it would help people to stop talking and listen a little bit. Instead of living in a hurry to find your soul mate, to find “the one”, to find the girl of your dreams, why not living and meet people as what they are and not trying to analyze if they’d be good partners?
Instead of thinking of love and relationships about something extremely passionate based on strong feelings, why not keep in mind that the core of love might actually be being close and trust each other?
Something you don’t get from jumping right into a relationship but from bothering to get to know someone as a person who is something else than just your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse.