Let’s face it. Our best friends are basically our parents, except that we can talk to them about the three guys we hooked up with in one weekend without them grounding us while simultaneously getting dropped from the family name. It’s our best friends that get us through bad hair days, break-ups, hump days, Tuesdays, Mondays, non-happy hour days, non-dollar drink days, (basically any weekday ending in y). Without them, we’d most likely be a hot mess on the weekends and a lazy mess on the weekdays. They get us to the gym, they keep us in line, and most importantly they make us look a lot better than we very well may be. Let’s all take some time to praise the best friends of the world for doing what they do best.
1. They remind you to NOT send that text.
So you’re on your second pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, your third season of Sex and the City, and through the midst of your half delusional thinking, you are about to send your eighth text to your ex. Carrie Bradshaw is suddenly speaking to you through the television screen telling you to not give up on Mr. Big while Samantha is telling you to pull your big girl panties up (get your shit together Karen!) and move on, shit is getting confusing. Having a devil and angel on either shoulder, who does one turn to while ice cream wasted & deprived of interaction with the outside world? Your best friend of course! Right when you think you’re in a good state of mind to press send, you decide it would be best to get a second opinion. Turns out you are a crazy person and maybe sending that text number eight with no response yet from him was a bad idea.
2. They tell you when you’re ugly.
Sorry Beyoncé wannabe for letting you down, but unfortunately you did not wake up like this. Chances are if you even look a fraction of the term “presentable,” it took you way more time than necessary in order to do so. Due to this, you most likely do not come close to representing the term “feminine,” “female,” “functioning person of society,” hell maybe even “human” (only after you decided to choose beer before liquor, because of course on a regular day you are truly flawless). It takes a lot of patience, time, effort, and bribery to get you in an outfit and color-coordinated makeup on your face. The only person who is able to do this is your best friend. I use the term “bribery” in a slightly more threatening manner. Kind of like this: “If you wear those hideous kitten heels to the bar, I won’t try to stop you from going home with the bartender that has a lazy eye after you are three martinis deep.” It may be aggressive but you know your best friend is the only person who you trust (and you would allow to speak to you like that) who will make you reconsider that glittery blue eye shadow. Seriously, take that off. You look like a whore. Put on some big girl makeup. Fix your hair. Have you even showered this week? Don’t ever make that face again. Same leggings three days in a row? Nice.
3. They remind you that you’re actually really pretty (mainly via Snapchat).
There’s a special bond between best friends that can play the ugly Snapchat games. Who can send the more ugly selfie? This is always a confidence booster when you’re looking like a queen the day that your post-workout sweaty BFF decides to declare war, but it’s all fun and games until someone takes a screenshot.
4. They drive you places.
So you need food for your hedgehog and the pet store is, like, forever away. This is not something one can just do alone. I mean, you’re just asking to crank the “cry in the shower” Spotify playlist and cry to your steering wheel if you go about this adventure solo. You text the BFF and within two minutes you have a companion to chauffeur your PMSing ass to the pet store. In all reality, you’re in college and mom isn’t here anymore. You have to go to the doctor, or get groceries, or that class is just a little too far away and it’s minus 30 degrees outside. Needless to say, your best friend just pulled up and these boots are NOT made for walking.
5. They pay for things (and you PROMISE you’ll pay them back…eventually).
“OK, I’ll pay you back” is the ultimate lie of this generation, but hey, I’m sure you have bought the alcohol or the sushi or the ice cream at some point and now it’s all evened out…right?
6. They go places with you for no reason at all.
You really need to go to the store, but your social senses are tingling. Hit up the BFF group chat and someone will without a doubt always tag along. These trips are usually absolutely pointless for the best friend. I mean, let’s be real, it’s also probably pointless for you, too, but how long can one do homework and waste time on the Internet before they realize they just really need some fast food and a trip to the mall?
7. They make you go work out when all you want to do is lie in your bed.
The most bittersweet feeling is waking up from a nap in that cozy bed with the fan blowing on your face and the blankets laying heavily on top of you, but then being slapped in the face with the realization that you need to get up and do something with your life. Cue BFF text saying you’re going to the gym and to be ready in 10 minutes. You respond with the classic “ugh” and she reminds you that boys don’t like when your stomach hangs out further than your boobs and you shouldn’t either. Plus endorphins make people happy and happy people just don’t kill their husbands, right? Long story short, you’re now out of bed with running shoes on and you can thank your best friend for that.
8. They broaden your horizons via Netflix.
The dreaded feeling of not being able to find a single thing on a site that is supposed to have endless results is one most college students experience far too often. You most likely already share an account with your best friend anyway, though, so just scroll through their list and hope you don’t find anything you’ll need to talk to them about later (I’m talking about you, random raunchy documentaries).
9. They are your cuddle buddy when your main cuddle buddy is not available.
So your boyfriend is out of town and you’re clearly going to be lonely in that big bed of yours with no human next to you. Best friend to the rescue! If she brings snacks, you know she’s the one. The only downfall of having cuddle buddy backup is that there’s probably not going to be any making out or butt-touching. Damn.
10. They remind you NOT to kiss that random boy.
But he’s so hot. Seriously look at him. Look at his muscles. His lips are seriously sent from above. Are those even real, like come on, nobody has lips like that? Luckily, your best friend reminds you his lips have also been on about 10 other faces that night…and god knows what else. Thanks to her you’ll stay disease free and your pride will stay intact… for at least this weekend. Now get out of that frat basement, those shoes you’re wearing deserve better.
11. They lead you to spontaneous (maybe not the smartest) decisions.
They say your friends know about your most embarrassing moments, but your best friends were there to live out those memories with you. So when you woke up to pictures of your far-from-sober self dancing on a pizza parlor’s half rusted table with the only witnesses being a homeless man and a far-from-happy employee, you should probably thank your best friend. Although liquid courage and having your best friend by your side (who is meanwhile confusing the Papa John’s employee for a DJ, asking him to put on a Lil Jon song) may have been a slightly encouraging factor to this bad decision making, your best friend also helped you steer clear of worse decisions prior to that. For instance, instead of dancing on a grease-covered tabletop, she made sure you weren’t going home with a complete stranger. Lucky for her, however, it didn’t take much convincing, just a simple, “We can get pizza if you make the right decision.” Sorry dude, you may be an 8, but Papa John’s garlic sauce is a solid 10 and only your best friend would know exactly what to say to ensure you make the right decision. (See? Dancing on a tabletop isn’t as bad now, huh?)
12. They remind you that you aren’t actually crazy, you just screwed up…big.
So you texted your boyfriend 10 times and called him 20 times with no response from him. Oh you drove to his apartment to talk to him even though he said he just wanted to sort things out on his own? Dear god…it’s OK! You’re not a crazy person, but that was the dumbest thing you have ever done. I mean seriously, who does that? Best friends are here to tell you that you really screwed up, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a bad day, not a bad life…mainly because you have them to set you straight. (P.S. I really hope he talks to you tomorrow, because that’s some shit you pulled.)
So there it is: Best friends are literally keeping us alive on the daily and we have a lot to thank them for. If it weren’t for them, you’d probably be waking up on Sunday mornings with a half-eaten box of pizza in a boy’s bed that looked like Ryan Gosling last night (you swear). Let’s hear it for all those best friends out there. Keep doing you, and we’ll try not to disappoint either.