It’s 2 am and what do you know, I’m inspired again. Unlike the world that typically settles down during these hours, my mind likes to go to work. Convenient, being that it doesn’t like to follow those rules during the day.
Perhaps it’s redundant at this point, but the fact of the matter is I’m trying to rebuild after a breakup. I’m not any more special or different than anyone else, I just find solace in the calmness of the early hours of the morning, and I find peace when I can get my thoughts out. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable nor am I particularly good at articulating my thoughts verbally.
I keep thinking about the night things ended, you told me, “I can’t give you the love you deserve, you deserve better.” Those words didn’t truly resonate with me until…I guess right now. Going back to being the “people pleaser,” I keep thinking how everything was done on your terms and I convinced myself that it is also what I wanted. I guess I didn’t realize that maybe, I was more lost than you were.
I keep thinking; I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when/if I find someone that is willing to match my efforts and not find my presence a chore for them. If I can be so ignorantly blissful with someone that was merely completing a task, I can’t even imagine the utter contentment I will feel with someone I “deserve.” Now it all makes sense, maybe when you said, “I’m having second thoughts about our relationship, and I just don’t feel the same about you.” Which, might I add, are words that still haunt me. Maybe you were just done using me. I can’t really blame you. I always used to tell you that I’m here at your disposal. I just didn’t think you would actually dispose.
It’s a sobering thought. Obviously, I have to thank you for being truthful. I suppose what I’m feeling at this moment is hope and excitement for the future. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way, but I am. Not that I’m seeking refuge in somebody else nor am I expecting it anytime soon, but I am open for it in the future. And you know what; that’s enough for me right now.
For the record, I am aware of the growth and work that is necessary on my end. I absolutely played an equal part in the decline of our relationship. But for once, instead of only blaming myself I’m learning to acknowledge the other party and the fact that maybe they did have shortcomings. These shortcomings are becoming more and more evident as I pick up the pieces to myself. So dramatic, I know.
In my moments of strength, I find myself documenting these feelings so I don’t forget. Because I know if I see you again I can easily melt in your hands, and this same strength and confidence I’m developing will surely disappear. I’m realizing things, I’m very slowly growing from this. I’m healing, and I want to keep this momentum going.
I matter. I am worthy of love. I am not a chore. I am worthy of more than I was given.