When does a “personality trait” become problematic?
I realized something tonight while I couldn’t sleep. It started with me replaying the events of Thursday night in my head, and recalculating my steps and every interaction and how I could’ve possibly changed the outcome of everything. I had this profound thought that really just manifested. Maybe breaking up with me was the best thing you could’ve done for me, I think it made me realize what I truly deserve.
I was a chameleon in this relationship I was being used, without even realizing it. The worst part is I convinced myself that that worked for me, I convinced myself that that’s what I needed to do to make YOU happy; key word in there YOU. But worst of all I convinced myself that I wanted those same things, who am I and what do I actually want is what I find myself asking now. Things were always done on your terms and done your way.
I realize that a man that actually loved and cared for me like I deserved would actually want to spend time with me, go out with me. It would never be an obligation in his head or a chore or something he had to say “It’s been 37 hrs since I hung out with her”. I am not your dog, that you say that about when you need to take them for a walk, I am a human being, a worthy one at that.
It’s sick because I actually felt bad for you; that the most basic wants and needs of mine were stressing you out but now that I’ve found some perspective I realize that maybe you were just done using me. Which is why you “stopped feeling the same way”. The worst part is that I did these things on your terms and again tried be the everything for YOU, and yet I still wound up with the shitty end of the stick. But maybe this is the wake up call that I needed. I realize that my confidence I thought I had, the worth I thought I had was fake because it took me until now to really think what value did he bring to your life other than when it was convenient for him. These words are harsh and they feel strange coming out, but now that they’re coming out I can’t stop.
I’m remembering how terrible I felt for telling you I felt lonely, I actually apologized for telling you my feelings which if I recall was something I did often, “sorry but I need some love” is something I’d say before putting my head on your chest alluding to the fact that I craved some human contact. You may have broken me, but you broke me so that way I can put myself back together and really have a look inside whether I wanted to or not. So thank you for that. It makes sense that I always thought you were so amazing when you decided to be a boyfriend but again that was when it was convenient to you. I know I wasn’t perfect I have my insecurities, I have my demons, but that does not make me any less worthy and deserving of the same kind of love I showed you.
I’m embarrassed at how judgmental I was towards other females that “nagged” their boyfriends when quite frankly maybe they were just vocalizing their needs like I should have.
I’m cringing at myself thinking about the night you shattered me, I actually tried to convince you why I was worth keeping as if I were some sort of possession, willing to disregard my own needs. I actually toyed with the idea of seeing you “every 5 days” as if that were something I could make work if that meant being with you. Just another clause I was willing to add to this non existent contract I created for myself to be your girlfriend. Comical.
It’s 4am and I suddenly feel my senses awaken with this profound realization. And for once I actually feel confident in a twisted kind of way. Not that I didn’t have any fault, but maybe shattering me was an opportunity for me to truly reflect on myself like I should’ve done over the 8 years. My only options at this point are to let this define and bitter me. Or I can grow from this and make something productive happen. Because at this point I’ve lost everything and perhaps this is so I can gain my self. Like Kylie so eloquently put it, “2018 is the year of figuring things out”.
I am not a supporting character nor am I a prop, it’s time I started treating myself as such.