Experiencing a relationship you actually deserve comes with a peace you’ve never known and it will scare the heck out of you.
When you finally experience what you truly deserve in a relationship, your thoughts will try telling you that you don’t. That it’s wrong, that it won’t last, that you’re not worth it, that you’re too messed up, that you come with too much baggage, too many scars.
That’s the twisted thing about coming from a toxic relationship. Everything that is actually right feels so wrong, so you’ll be tempted to run time and time again.
You’re so used to everything going wrong, for so long that you don’t even know what feels like. You don’t know how to feel anything real because you got good at numbing yourself to the pain they caused.
You constantly cried and it became normal to you, like your daily cup of coffee in the morning. You got into bed every night for months laying your head on a pillow of fear and covering up with blankets of doubt wondering if they still loved you. You did everything you could to be better and yet it never seemed quite good enough. You got use to the manipulative games, your heart expected the let down and you became okay with it.
You simply got stuck in a place that was never meant for so when you experience a relationship that you deserve, you don’t know how to do it because you expect it to taste toxic because that’s all you’ve been taught to crave.
You don’t know how to go throughout your days without tears, you don’t know what it’s like to truly be cared for, you don’t know how to smile because you lost that ability so long ago – somewhere between the sleepless nights and tears that poured down. You don’t know what it’s like to be shown off to the world because you’re you and you are beautiful and it’s uncomfortable because you don’t feel worthy of it. You don’t know how to let someone truly look into your eyes, into the parts of you that have been hiding in the dark for far too long. You don’t know how to actually be you because for far too long you spent your time in a place that sucked the life out of everything you truly were made for.
You got so good at pretending that everything was fine when it was really crumbling right in front of your eyes.
You don’t know how to accept kindness because you’ve never been shown it. You fear the feeling of peace because your brain can’t process it. Truth is, the last time you felt any kind of peace was before the toxic thing made a home in your heart and that scares you. You fear the very things you can’t understand and after all the torment that has been put on your brain, you can’t comprehend just how sweet a real relationship could actually be.
You don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you can inhale peace and exhale laughter. Where you don’t have to expect the letdown, but where you can actually be excited for what’s to come. Where you can lay your head down every night without a doubt in your mind that you truly are loved. Where you can actually smile for real and it’s true and you don’t have to fake it. Where you can fully be seen for who you are and you’re no longer afraid of what that actually looks like. Where you can look them in the eyes without looking away as they light up the parts of your heart that have been in the dark for too long.
After a toxic relationship, experiencing something you deserve will be unlike anything you’ve ever tasted before. It’ll be so sweet, you won’t believe it could actually taste that good. Perhaps you never knew what to ask for because for far too long you were taught to crave all of the wrong things.