Bad Driving 101

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Typically I am not a fan of stereotypes. Unfortunately for me, if there was a picture icon designated for each stereotype the “female = bad driver” picture would be of my face. I can’t help it. I have driving induced ADD. I am not exactly sure of most of the traffic laws. I also think I am a skilled multi-tasker, when in reality you probably just shouldn’t eat yogurt or pluck your eyebrows while driving and it’s certainly not condoned to try to do both at once.

Here are some tips I have learned in my travels:

Do not say the words: “I would literally rather do anything than go to work right now.”

Flash forward five minutes, you get rear ended by a Canadian tourist. Spend the day in the ER, refusing to wear a neck brace. Spend the next day at the Summer Jam concert only being able to talk to people when you move your entire body in their general direction because your neck is stuck in place. Get made fun of by your friends for that “time you looked like a robot” at Summer Jam for the next four years. Get pulled over and yelled at two weeks later by a State Trooper for your messed up bumper that the Canadian tourist won’t fix. Cry.

Don’t “yield” for too long.

You will get hit by a 48-year-old man with a suspended license driving his wife’s Jeep Liberty. He will tell you to pull over at the Gas Station to “exchange papers”, when really he is just going to get back on the highway. Become the victim of a hit and run. Spend the day in the ER, refusing to wear a neck brace. Again. Get driven to your job interview the next week by your mother, because you have a concussion.

Don’t be horrible at texting and driving especially if a Police Officer you hadn’t noticed is in front of you.

Sometimes your driving is so bad the officer notices it through his rearview mirror. The officer will pull over and let you go in front of them just to get behind you and proceed to pull you over. Despite it being 7AM, the officer will ask if you are drunk or high. The officer will say “see those white lines right there, yeah you’re supposed to be driving in between them.”

Don’t take too long to merge on the highway.

Even if you are scared and the cars are coming at you WAY too fast, you are now driving in the breakdown lane. The only reason you will realize you were doing such a thing is because when the officer pulls you over 3 minutes into your drive they will ask “what are you doing driving in the breakdown lane?” They will not be amused that when you say you’re “just a bad driver and were trying to get on the highway, just couldn’t.”

Don’t assume just because something looks like a highway, means it’s a highway.

Sometimes in places such as, well Georgia, it is really just a regular old road, so going 76 MPH is frowned upon in a 45MPH zone. They will threaten to arrest you, you will get an immediate court date and a $500 ticket.

Don’t drive without shoes on, and get pulled over, and realize you left your license at home along with your shoes.

Frowned upon.

Don’t forget that mirrors are there for a reason.

Just because you know people can see you doesn’t mean you should just get on the highway without looking- sometimes big trucks are coming and their horns are meaner than the typical little Corolla drivers you tend to piss off.

Don’t say “oops” when you hit things, or people.

No one takes that to heart as a sincere apology or reconciliation for what you have just done.

Do take note of objects around your vehicle.

When you buy a new car then hit a metal pole you failed to notice was there two weeks after purchase and jack up the whole front of your car, you will not be pleased with yourself or the large sudden decrease in your car value.

Most importantly, don’t forget on days you are driving like a real asshole – to wear low cut shirts.

If you are going to fit into a stereotype, you bet your ass you shouldn’t go down without a fight.