This is not coming from a cynical place (as some of my posts admittedly do). I just feel like there are people in the world that BLOW UP my newsfeed with the same damn things, and quite frankly I need a little more mental stimulation from my social media addiction. (Yeah..yeah I get it if I don’t want to look at it don’t be your friend..blah blah..but then who would I talk about??)
1. The New Moms
This will likely offend many. In the olden days before Facebook people used to have things called “Photo Albums.” They would take pictures, get them developed and put them in a BOOK. Years down the road, they would take those pictures out and bore their friends and family with them. NOW- they bore us all with them every.single.day. I think it’s wonderful that you had a baby. I do not think it’s wonderful to see 76 daily pictures of said baby.
I don’t like to see any of the following words (let alone pictures) over my morning coffee; poop, throw up, spit up, potty, breastmilk, fetus…know what I’m sayin? SOME people may be fascinated by this persons baby being the size of a grapefruit, this persons baby being the size of a walnut, this person who still identifies their babies age by months even though they are 7 years old- just not my cup of tea at this point in my life.
2. The Debbie Downers
The “Great another bad day”… “God I hate my life”… “Why do I even bother waking up in the morning?” People. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows – I get that, but you can only have one “worst day ever” that’s the beauty of it being the “worst”. Unless you are literally living Groundhog Day before our very eyes, it really cannot be that terrible that consistently. Google a picture of ANY third world country and realize shit ain’t that bad!
3. Chronic Relationship Oversharers
As much as I love a good drama series the entire world does not need to know the inner workings of your relationship. When you are “sooo in love” one day and “fucking hate his fucking guts” the next day – it’s hard for me to believe on Day 3 things are really going as great as they seem on “Date night with my babyyyy love you!!” Some things are best left behind closed doors, that is why we have the expression “some things are best left behind closed doors”. Don’t even get me started on the people who actually fight with their significant others via Facebook wall, I mean I’ll pop the popcorn and watch, but just, no.
4. The Political Savant
This person knows everything. They know who should run the country, they know how to run the country, they even have the powers to know when things are going to happen after they happen – “YEAH COULD HAVE CALLED THAT ONE OBAMA. NICE JOB”. There is no pleasing to be had- no amount of healthcare reform or gun control will settle the angry soul of the political enthusiast who knows it all. Politics more than anything it appears is a giant “blame game” and the political savant has a laundry list of people to point fingers at and does so in the most effective and proactive of ways…through a Facebook status.
5. The Person with the “BESTFUCKINGLIFEEVERRRRRR”
Every day is just a sky of glorious rays of sunshine cascading over the sea of dreams that have all magically come true right before their eyes. Life is perfect. They have the best relationship, the best kids, the best job, just ate the best meal, just had the world’s greatest colonoscopy- EVERYTHING. They are far too “blessed” and “lucky” (those are the buzzwords) to compare to us. Don’t worry though, they will make sure you live vicariously through their every, well-documented fantastical life moment along the way, so at least we have that!