15 Signs You’re Not In Love, You’re In A Toxic Relationship

Andrew Neel

My response to any idea or notion of dating and possibly finding love used to be “It’s a trap.” I said it all the time. After being left broken-hearted one too many times, I vowed to never, EVER, give my heart away to anyone again. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and hurt in ways I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’m talking about falling down on the floor, hyperventilating, sick, and sobbing. The worst kind of heartbreak. I’ve been there. That kind of pain reaches all the way to your very soul.

BUT. Even though I had a negative outlook due to that excruciating pain, I realize now that I ignored so many red flags because I was, well, young, dumb, and “in love.” Except it wasn’t love at all. It was what I call a toxic dependency. I was just in toxic relationships and felt as though I needed those people… But I didn’t. That’s not love. It happens to the best of us.

There are always red flags and sometimes you don’t realize that until you look back in retrospect after the initial relationship is over. That’s when it clicks and a light bulb goes off in your head. You think,”Oh.” Right? Right. Don’t ever be too hard on yourself. You cared for someone and that’s the most amazing thing you can do for anyone is genuinely care about them. It’s not your fault that someone never valued you for cherishing them.

So, let’s just get down to the nitty-gritty and talk about when you should leave an almost relationship, a situationship, or a relationship. Whatever you find yourself in, never forget your worth… And then add tax.

1. Lack Of Communication

If you are unable to talk about any problems you are or may be having, it won’t work. If you feel nervous or scared to talk about what’s bothering you, it will not work. Problems that don’t get resolved build up until someone just loses their ever loving shit. Communication should always be open. It doesn’t have to be a fight if you talk things out and explain how you feel in a mature manner. Just because something is bothering you doesn’t equate a fight. This is difficult for some people to comprehend as I’ve learned. It’s always better to be honest.

2. They Don’t Make You A Priority

People get busy and that’s understandable. However, if he or she opens your Snapchat, receives your text/s, leaves you on read, etc and doesn’t respond to you for a couple days- odds are their time is being preoccupied elsewhere. Or it’s whenever is convenient for them. Your phone calls go unanswered. You don’t see that person as much as what would be normal for people dating or about to be in a relationship. It’s always on their terms. Drop it like it’s hot. That’s not a good sign. If someone was truly invested in you, they would make the time instead of leaving you guessing.

3. They Aren’t There For You

This ties in with my previous reason to get the hell out of dodge. If someone cares about you, they will be there for you through the good and the bad. If something is going on in your life and you can’t even go to that person about it, not worth your time. Find someone who cares.

4. They Get Violent

RUN. Just run. Get away. Don’t stay with anyone who abuses you.

5. They Flirt with Other People

Completely not acceptable. If you’re not the only one, let that person be someone else’s problem. What’s the point in flirting? To let someone know they’re interested, right? Don’t put up with that.

6. Cheating

They obviously didn’t care enough about you to not mess around with someone else. Cheating isn’t just heartbreaking and soul crushing. It destroys trust. It can pose a health risk. STDs are a real thing, you know. It shows they didn’t take into consideration not just your heart, but also your health. Think about that.

7. They Won’t Work

I understand some people have circumstances where they’re stay at home parents and it’s a mutual agreement or some people just can’t work. I’m not talking about that. Not having a job or responsibilities isn’t a good sign. When your partner soley relies on you for everything and what’s worse, you struggle to pay your way for both of you, is a bad sign. This is directed at the couples who live together.

8. The Undefined Not Relationship But Kind Of Relationship

Be with someone who is proud to have you. If someone keeps beating around the bush as far as making things official, they probably aren’t that into you and are using you. You’re confused because you don’t know what is even going on. Right? Step away. Don’t let someone play with your emotions.

9. Mental/Emotional Abuse

Sometimes we say hurtful things to people we love. However, if someone belittles you, degrades you, and makes you feel worthless like you have to fight for their approval or their love, walk away. Just leave it. You’ll hurt yourself staying.

10. You’re The Only One Making An Effort

If they aren’t as equally invested in you as you are to them, it’s not worth it.

11. You Don’t Want The Same Things In Life

It’s hard to build a future with someone who has different life plans than you. If you both aren’t on the same page with what you want or are going to do, drop it.

12. They Don’t Support You

If someone cares about you, they should be supportive of your goals, dreams, and aspirations. They will want to see you succeed. They will even help you. If not, tell them bye.

13. Dishonesty

If you can’t trust someone, you don’t need to be with them.

14. You Fight More Than You Enjoy Each Other

That’s not healthy. Arguments happen. But if you find yourself arguing more than you actually get along, it’s time to go.

15. They Are Controlling

Decisions are made on their terms and their terms only. Seeing your friends and family might be restricted. Your money is controlled by them. Etc. Run!

I’ve been through everything discussed on this list. I know it’s hard. But even after going through it all, I still believe my soul mate is out there. My exes just taught me what not to look for in someone and the red flags to look for in anyone I may be interested in.

I’m still a hopeless romantic because if I was so good to people who were wrong for me and who I thought I loved, but really didn’t… I know when I meet the right one, it will be magical and wonderful because it will be the real thing. Until then, I’m patiently waiting for him because I know he’s out there somewhere and so is the person you’re meant to be with. Just wait for it. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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