I’ve been terrified for months to run into you. I’ve been avoiding certain people, places, and things. I’ve been afraid of what I would feel or who I would turn into if I saw you again. I was afraid of the conversation or lack thereof. Would we pretend to be strangers? Would we pretend we weren’t anything for almost three years? Would we pretend you didn’t help me spread my father’s ashes? Would we pretend that I didn’t come running whenever you needed me? Would we pretend that we didn’t mean shit to one another?
What was I the most afraid of though?
Was I afraid that I would want you all over again? Was I afraid that all of those feelings of needing you would come rushing back? Was I afraid that my progress over the last few months would be in vain? Was I afraid that after all of the nasty things you said to me, I would discover I still love you? Was I afraid that I would hate you?
My fears ate me alive.
And then I saw you. I saw you and it was like nothing ever happened. I ran into you at the local bar and it was cordial. It was easy. It was like no time had passed at all. It was like you never said those things to me. It was like you hadn’t broken my heart and stepped all over it. You tried to keep a casual conversation and I participated.
Then I realized something.
I realized you no longer had that hold on me. I realized I no longer carried that torch for you that constantly had me fighting between what my head and what my heart wants. I realized that I was able to be around you without thinking about your lips on mine, your hands on my neck, and your body on mine. I realized that I was finally over you. I realized what it was like to finally see you and feel absolutely nothing. I felt neither hate nor love. I felt nothing.
You were the one thing in my life that had been constant the last few years. Whether you were drunk and wanting me or stressed out and hating everything about me, you were still there. Getting over you was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I did it. I realized how strong I was, and I rose from the hurt and destruction. I rose from the tears and the constant heartbreak. I rose from the disrespect and constant toxicity.
I will always love you. I will always care about you. But I will ALWAYS love and care about myself more.