You’re The One Thing I Can’t Undo

I don’t always make the best decisions when I’ve been drinking. Instead, I make my best mistakes. I lose all sense of reality, and that’s when I think I need you the most. I allow the alcohol to alter my mood, and before I know it, I love you all over again and I need to be in your bed with your arms around me.

No, bitch. Try again.

My love for you has altered every single one of my decisions and moods, my strength and judgement when it comes to you. Most days, I’m faking it through the day by pretending you don’t exist, shoving the hurt that I feel over you down so that others can’t see or sense it, and pushing a smile through the sadness and hurt. Once I start drinking, it’s game over. I lose all sense of stability in my thoughts and the hurt and heartbreak come out like word vomit.

(Or sometimes actual vomit.)

I begin facing my feelings about you and before you know it, I’m sending that “Hi” text in hopes that I get the response I want. You respond back and before I know it, I’m asking to come over and I’ve lost all sense of what’s good for me and the promises I’ve made myself. Depending on your mood, I’ll either get the answer that I want (in the moment) or I’ll get the response that I don’t want but that I need. And before you know it, I’m crying and I’m hurting all over again.

I can’t drink about you or because of you anymore. I’m not strong enough. I’m not strong enough to say no. I’m not strong enough not to hurt over you. Before I know it, I’m feeling like Fletcher and wishing to be a little un-drunk.

I’m wishing I could un-text you.

I’m wishing I could un-call you.

I’m wishing I could un-fuck you.

I’m wishing I could un-kiss you.

I’m wishing I could un-sext you.

I’m wishing I could un-care about you.

I’m wishing I could un-know you.

I’m wishing I could un-love you.

Somethings you can’t undo.

And one of them is you.

So I’ll keep my strength up. I’ll take this moment and how shitty I feel and I’ll remember that I never want to feel this way again. I’ll refuse to let you in again. I’ll refuse to hurt like this ever again. I’ll refuse to allow you to make me feel unworthy. I’ll just refuse to unblock your phone number. I’ll refuse to let you talk to me like I’m nothing.

I may not be able to un-know you, but I can stop allowing someone who adds no value to who I am break me as a person. I can stop letting you affect what a boss ass bitch I am. I can stop allowing you to ruin someone else wanting me. I can pretend you don’t exist.