It’s that pain in your stomach, clenching to your chest, and left completely breathless feeling that leaves you wanting more, but also hoping the pain stops and it stops soon. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster. I know you’re not good for me. I know you’re super fucked up. I know you’re turning me into the worse version of myself. But I can’t stop.
I know it’s going to end badly. I keep replaying it over and over again with different endings, happier endings. Ones where things work out. Ones where you’re not the giant douchebag that you actually are. Ones where I’m not left hurt in the end. But no matter what endings I come up with, you never seem to fail with your all too realistic shitty endings.
I want you to know that things could have been different. That you could have been different. Your selfishness leaves me feeling unworthy, used, and worse of all, an object. I know that’s not right and nor is it fair.
I’m the type of girl who knows exactly what she wants and goes for it. I’m a free spirit who makes decisions on a whim and rolls with whatever happens. I make no apologies for who I am or who I’ve ever been. You don’t get to judge me. But you did. You judged me every time I drank. You judged me every time I wanted you in my bed. You judged me every time you saw a guy that wasn’t you on my Snapchat story. You judged me every chance you got.
There’s something you should know…
Every time you judged me, you pushed me to feel lesser and lesser about myself. You constantly made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Little did you know, I drank to fight the urge to run back to you and just lay down for you. I was fighting the worse habit of all; YOU. You judged me unless you needed me. I was there when you totaled your truck. I was there to help you file your taxes. I was there when you were fighting with your Mom and needed someone to talk too. I was there in times that you didn’t deserve for me to be. I wasn’t there because I felt unworthy, I was there because it felt nice to have you need me for more than just my body. But that was all just a front. In reality, you just needed SOMEONE, not ME specifically.
I’m glad I could be that person for you because now I know I’m more than just a piece of ass. I’m glad I could be that person for you because now I know my worth. I’m glad I could be that person for you because now I know you never deserved it.
I can still feel your breath all over me, but it’s becoming less and less. It’s no longer a feeling that stops me in my tracks. It’s no longer a feeling that leaves me awake at night crying. It’s no longer a feeling that prevents me from loving the very best things about myself.
I know my worth. Do you?