Let’s Have A Toast For The Douchebags

photography of person holding glass bottles during sunset
Wil Stewart / Unsplash

Ladies, we all know Kayne said it the best. But, if you’ve ever had your heart broken by a douchebag, you can sing the words without the song even playing and feel it in your soul.

You’ve been out of the game for a while. You came out of a six-year relationship, had your wild phase, and then you met someone. You met someone unexpectedly and it was just there. You didn’t think of anything long-term, you didn’t care that he had a child, and you didn’t care that he was busy all of the time. You simply entertained the idea of having him around because he was like looking in a mirror. He was literally the same. He drank a little too much. He was equally as weird as you. He said whatever the hell he wanted whenever he wanted, much like you. He had dickish tendencies much like you. He was a man version of you. Sounds great, right?

WRONG.

With all of those things that you love about yourself, he also had your less than redeemable qualities as well. He had mood swings that gave your whiplash. He was a little insensitive about things he said. He was also NEVER wrong. You didn’t realize how terrible these things were until they were being done to you.

Food for thought, men: DO NOT TELL A GIRL SHE IS ANNOYING. EVER.

That’s just rude and hurtful. You’re a douchebag for that. You’re better off telling her to crawl in a hole. When I think of annoying, I think of a gnat at a barbeque that just won’t go away even though you’ve swatted it over and over and over and all you want to do is eat your hotdog.

When things started off, he was great. You met for beers, talked, and became intimate. It was everything you were looking for until you realized that your heart was living in your vagina. Something changed. But like a douchebag, he blamed it on you. It was YOUR fault because of how YOU acted. God forbid him be wrong at all.

LADIES, THAT’S BULLSHIT.

If this sounds at all familiar, GET OUT NOW. He doesn’t at all care about you or your feelings. He doesn’t see the error in his ways. He doesn’t see all of the wonderful things about you or the fact that you’re literally as good as it’s going to get for him. He was better off hearing you out, trying to understand why you acted or felt a certain way, and then changing his behavior while you worked on yours as well.

But like a douchebag, he didn’t. Now you’re left a little uneasy about the way things ended, and you’re pissed because he’s too blind to see a great thing right in front of him. Ladies, that’s just the douchebag way.

So, let’s raise a glass and have a toast for the douchebags. Let’s have a toast for the assholes. Let’s have a toast for the scumbags. Every one of them that we know. TC mark

Ashley Spargo

Indiana University. B.A. English.

Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again

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Indiana University. B.A. English. Follow Ashley on Instagram or read more articles from Ashley on Thought Catalog.