To The Girl I Was Six Months Ago…
I had no idea that I would look back six months from now and be able to laugh at who I was and be proud of whom I’ve become. Six months ago, my world came crashing down, or so I thought. My six-year-relationship had just ended. I was cheated on, lied to, disrespected in every sense of the word, and then completely discarded.
I was completely broken. I felt empty, alone, and completely used. We all deal with things differently, I guess. I didn’t deal with what was happening to be in the most graceful way. I spent the next several months completely wasted. I drank almost every night when I got off work, woke up in beds that were not my own, but somehow managed to make it to work every single day. I believe that’s what they call a “functioning alcoholic.” I spent my entire summer steadily tipsy while using other guys to help keep myself from thinking about what was actually going on in my life.
I couldn’t be alone.
I hadn’t been alone in so long, almost never, that I didn’t know how to be. When I was alone I constantly found myself hung up on the feelings about the recent heartbreak I hadn’t healed from because I never actually dealt with it. It hurt. To help ease the hurt, I used other outlets to keep myself from thinking about it. Enough was enough. I was spiraling. Not only spiraling, but the constant using of the opposite sex to make myself feel better was suddenly getting old.
It was time to make a change.
I stepped back. I began surrounding myself with real friends that wanted only the best for me. I began re-prioritizing what really mattered. I began realizing that I had every right to gain everything possible from this break up instead of allowing it to destroy me. I had to learn to fight for someone other than him. I had to learn that I actually mattered. And then I did.
I realized that I deserved better than what I had been given. I realized that life is short and I should live it to my absolutely fullest. I realized that I mattered. I realized that every girl deserves to smile for a reason. I realized that there’s absolutely no reason for treating someone poorly. I realized that there’s no excuse for using someone to make yourself feel better. I realized that only I could fight for me. I realized that no one would ever have my back like I would. I realized that I deserved to be me in every which way. I realized that the only people who tear other people apart or make them feel like less than themselves are truly unhappy people.
I realized a lot.
I look back on who I was six months ago and I’m ashamed. I’m disappointed that I allowed my view of myself to be tainted by the way someone else treated me/made me feel. While I’m ashamed and disappointed, I’m also proud. I’m proud to be able to look back and realize that I didn’t let him break me. I was drowning, but I still managed to come up for fresh air. I didn’t need anyone else to save me. I only needed myself. Six months ago I was dependent as hell and now, I’m my own hero. Now I only need me. The person that I am now doesn’t need him. The person that I am now is only out for herself. The person that I am is not out for revenge, simply regret.
If you’re feeling less than yourself, less than everyone, stop. You’ll regret not seeing how perfect you are. You’ll regret not thinking you light up someone’s world. You’ll regret not thinking that seeing you is the best part of someone else’s day. You’ll regret the wasted thoughts on whether you’re good enough or not. Of course, you are. You are enough.