Men: Please Stop Using Our Shower Products

Sorry, I’m calling you out. Don’t act like you have no idea what we’re talking about. Come on, your hair smells like Sweet Orange and Lemongrass and your body smells like Blue Lotus Flower. Either you’re having an affair with a woman who uses the exact same products as us, or you’re nonchalantly lathering up to Tangerine & Guava in the shower. You can’t deny it. I mean, you do smell great…but you smell like us. Did you really think we wouldn’t notice?

We know it’s not just shampoo and body wash that you’re using, either.

You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. That new razor blade was put on yesterday and we haven’t used it yet. But somehow the moisturizing strip on it is already slimy. It only gets slimy after someone has actually used it. Plus it has your pubes in it. Really, you need to get better at covering up your tracks.

Please don’t even get us started on the subject of skin care. Do you even realize how much that face wash costs? We want to stretch those precious five ounces for as long as possible. Every time we go to use it, it seems like another ounce is gone. What in the hell are you doing with it? Washing the vehicles?! It doesn’t double as car wash. Not everything is multi-purpose, honey.

But please, don’t stop there. We know you use our moisturizing face lotion, too. It’s for firming, to prevent premature signs of aging, and has vitamin C to help make our faces “glow”. Really? Your entire face is covered in hair. No one is going to notice if your skin is brighter under your big burly beard, and your eyebrows are so bushy that recognizing premature signs of aging on you is nearly impossible!

It’s really not that hard. Men, if you’re out of what you normally use to wash your silky hair and man parts, just tell us. We’ll gladly pick you up some Dove Men + Care at our next trip to the supermarket. If you’re using our stuff because you’re just curious and the bottles are shiny, don’t think you’re getting anything by us…we know. Stop using our stuff. Get. Your. Own.