Sure, I love a glass of wine or a fancy martini (skaken, not stirred) as much as the next woman. But the one beverage that I feel totally in my element when I’m drinking is beer. I’ve noticed that there are really two types of women who drink beer: women who drink beer from a bottle vs. women who drink beer from a can. And they are totally different in their personalities and the way they view the world. Here are the differences:
1. Women who drink beer from a bottle are definitely here to party, but they’ll show up on time…with a dip they made. Women who drink beer from a can will show up two hours late and empty-handed (except for the 12-pack they’re carrying)…because the party doesn’t really start until they get there, and they know it.
2. Women who drink beer from a bottle will mingle with a few close friends and stay close to the exterior of the room. Women who drink beer from a can will mingle with everyone, and you can usually find them dancing on the coffee table in the middle of the room.
3. Bottle drinkers know how to flirt and totally entrance a man. Can drinkers are just here to have a good time. No harm, no foul.
4. A bottle drinker’s idea of a romantic date is a beach sunset dinner. A can drinker’s idea of a romantic date is a bonfire with music, hot dogs, and S’mores…enough with the mushy stuff, let’s drink!
5. Bottle drinkers are all about movies, especially romantic comedies and any movie with puppies. Can drinkers are all about reality TV—Party Down South, The Real World, and Redneck Island.
6. Bottle drinkers see the world as an intricate system with a lot of moving pieces. Can drinkers see the world as their stage…and a place to get drunk.
7. Bottle drinkers have a precise shower routine…shampoo, rinse…conditioner, rinse…body wash, rinse…face wash, rinse. Can drinkers lather up with some soap, sing at the top of their lungs, and usually have a beer sitting on the shower caddy.
8. Bottle drinkers wear dark jeans, a cute tank, and high-heeled boots. Can drinkers wear Daisy Dukes, midriffs, and cowboy boots.
9. Bottle drinkers have Gmail accounts. Can drinkers use Hotmail.
10. Bottle drinkers carry Michael Kors and Kate Spade bags. Can drinkers carry a cooler.
11. Bottle drinkers sleep in cute pajama sets. Can drinkers sleep in a cotton T-shirt.
12. Bottle drinkers never wake up with a hangover. Can drinkers never wake up without one.
13. Bottle drinkers drink their morning coffee from their Fiesta coffee mugs. Can drinkers drink their morning coffee from mugs that have their favorite sports teams on them.
14. Bottle drinkers are reserved, mysterious, and introspective. Can drinkers are…well, just give them a beer and see what happens.
15. You would NEVER spot a bottle drinker wearing sweats in public. Can drinkers give zero f*cks. They’ll wear sweats if they feel like it.
16. A perfect Valentine’s Day gift for a bottle drinker is a bouquet of lilies. Can drinkers prefer daisies…and beer.
17. Here’s a list of dogs that bottle drinkers own: Yorkipoo, Multipoo, and Shih-poo. Here’s a list of dogs that can drinkers own: black Lab, chocolate Lab, and yellow Lab.
18. Bottle drinkers watch YouTube videos like “How to Remove Shower Stains” or “How to Make Chicken Stroganoff.” Can drinkers watch YouTube videos like “What Does the Fox Say” and “Bed Intruder Song.”
19. Bottle drinkers take an hour to get ready. Can drinkers take an hour to get ready. Come on, just because we’re different doesn’t mean we don’t want to look fabulous while we’re doing our things.