As I sit here typing this I am wondering if this is something that I actually want to share. Is it just TMI or will anyone be offended? Is this appropriate? Will people judge me for sharing this story because they believe that this is something that should be kept private? I don’t want answers to my questions. I just know that I want to write, I want to share, and I want to heal.
I guess my goal for this post is to just give my story of hell.
I found out I was pregnant on February 10, 2014 and miscarried on February 25, 2014. This was my very first pregnancy. I was six weeks, four days. My baby was the size of a sweet pea and was in the process of developing her facial features among other things. On Tuesday, March 4th, Chris and I would have gone for our first sonogram and would have heard the baby’s heartbeat.
Tuesday, February 25th, I woke up with this dull-like ache in my lower abdomen. It wasn’t cramps or a soreness per say – it was just a strong ache. It hurt to lean forward and sit in certain positions. The entire portion of the pregnancy, that I had experienced, was already very uncomfortable. There was a lot of cramping and implantation bleeding and – this might be TMI – but I also experienced the inability to use the lady’s room. Around 2:00pm I got up to go to the bathroom, I was cramping something fierce on my right side through the middle of my thigh. When I went to the bathroom I took a pregnancy test – this was normal for me, I couldn’t believe I was pregnant and just liked having that reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. I waited a couple of minutes on the toilet, the test came back positive and I was relieved.
Then I wiped.
There was so much red blood.
Since I had previously had breakthrough bleeding, I knew from the calls with the nurse that I needed to worry about bright red blood – not the dark brownish blood that I had seen prior. The dark brown blood is associated with implantation bleeding as well as with blood vessels bursting. This can happen because there is so much blood rushing to that area – so it’s fairly easy and normal to see some brownish blood. Additionally, brown blood is associated with old blood.
When I looked at the blood that I wiped – it was bright red. I knew immediately what was happening. I looked in the toilet and it was completely red.
To say I was in shock is an understatement.
Here is something you may not know – I am a realistic person which can lead to me having a pessimistic view on life. But for some reason with this pregnancy I was determined to be positive. I was not going to speak a miscarriage into existence.
I don’t want to be all like “I got my hopes up – boo hoo”. But I am feeling that way. I wonder if I had taken a more realistic approach to this, would the shock and pain of miscarrying not be so bad? We both wanted this baby desperately and we were so excited! We had even gone as far to decide on a name if it was a boy and we started looking – not buying, just looking – at baby stuff options.
So I just sat there.
Just sat on the toilet and cried for a solid ten minutes.
Then I put my pants on, washed my hands, went to my boss and said I have to leave I am having a miscarriage. She said oh my god just go home – call your doctor and just go home, sit on the porch, and be with Chris, and your dogs.
Everything that happened after that was kind of a blur.
I remember being on the phone with my nurse and her getting me in right away. I get to the OB’s office and am immediately given a vaginal sonogram. The tech that did it was so kind and gentle and answered all of my questions. I asked her if I was right – and she said this doesn’t look like a normal six weeks, four day pregnancy.
After that I was put in the patient room and met with my doctor where he officially confirmed the miscarriage. I cried while he explained that this happens a lot – over half of all known early pregnancies end in miscarriage. To help my body pass everything he prescribed me some medicine and told me that I was to come back into the office on Thursday.
Getting that medicine was a nightmare. I had the doctor’s office send the prescription to the Walgreens closest to my house – well come to find out that Walgreens doesn’t take my insurance. They said to have CVS down the street call them so that they can transfer it. So, I get on the phone with CVS, they tell me that Walgreens doesn’t want to help me and that Walgreens, in fact, is supposed to call CVS. So I walk back into Walgreens, in tears because this is so fucking unfair and difficult, and the woman behind the counter proceeds to rudely inform me that I am wrong. This time I don’t leave the counter, I get CVS on the phone and am like will you please talk to these people –she, the Walgreens woman, says no. That’s when it happened.
I lost it.
I start screaming at the woman, “WILL YOU PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME! I AM HAVING A MISCARRIAGE FOR CHRIST-SAKES. PLEASE JUST HELP ME! PLEASE!”
At that point her entire demeanor changes – she says, “I am so sorry, go ahead to CVS and I will make sure that your Rx gets sent over. I promise I will take care of this for you right now.”
I say thank you and leave.
I arrive at CVS twenty minutes later, go the counter and ask for my Rx. The kid behind the counter brings me freaking birth control. BIRTH CONTROL. I look at him, tears running down my face because I just can’t stop freaking crying, and say, “Really. You think I want birth control?! I told you people to take that off automatic re-fill in JANUARY!”
He says, “Okay follow me” and takes me to the drop off counter and tells the woman processing Rx’s there that I said I wanted this deleted forever. I stopped him and NO I DID’T SAY THAT. The woman finally looks up and says what do you want exactly. I informed her that Walgreens is supposed to be sending over my Rx from my doc’s office. She finds it in her system, looks at me – crying and all – and says, “Yeah, you will be waiting an hour for this.”
I lost it.
I said, “IF YOU WERE IN AS MUCH PAIN AS I AM IN MAYBE YOU WOULD HEP ME. BUT I WILL SIT IN THAT STUPID FUCKING CHAIR AND WAIT.” She literally looks at me and says, “There are other people here – you aren’t the only one that needs something.” I quickly gave her a fuck you and sat in my chair.
It felt like these people were making this whole thing way more difficult than it had to be – on purpose. I could NOT believe that they were intentionally being rude and unhelpful. I was just floored. Annnnnd, on top of that, I felt guilty for flying off the handle – there were a thousand better ways to handle that, but I just wasn’t thinking clear at all. I was in devastation mode and just wasn’t in a good frame of mind. I hope you readers don’t judge me for that crazy behavior.
To make this long story short – ten minutes later the head pharmacist in charge personally filled my Rx, pulls me aside and apologizes on behalf of her staff. She tells me that she knows what’s going on (because of the Rx) and that if I need anything else to just call her personally.
That is what I needed.
I just needed some kindness and compassion.
I broke-down again in the pharmacy and was like thank you so much and I am so sorry for snapping at your staff. She said she understood and not to worry about it at all. I go home and take my medicine and proceed to feel like total crap for the rest of the day and Wednesday.
Thursday I go back into the office. I sit in the waiting room with all these huge, happy, pregnant women and immediately get insanely jealous. How the hell can they be all happy and pregnant and I’m not! I am 24! This canNOT be happening to me! I started crying in the waiting room and everyone stares – thankfully, the sonographer got me quickly. She completed another vaginal exam and lets me sit in a special waiting room – since there were zero patient rooms open – so that I wouldn’t have to go back into the room of babies and sunshine. Thank god for this woman.
Finally a room opens and the doctor comes in and – to put this shortly, because it was long, really compassionate conversation – nothing had really passed properly and my doctor told me that I would have a D&C or else I could develop an infection. The procedure got scheduled for 7:30 the next morning. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I cried at the Labcorp place when they did my blood work. I cried in the car. I pretty much cried everywhere. I did not want to have my everything sucked out of my body, I just wanted to pass it naturally – but that wasn’t happening and now I have to go through this hell.
Chris, my husband, gets me up at 5:30 to shower, put my hair up, and take off all of my nail polish- because you can’t wear that during surgery. We get there and get checked in, a sweet nurse came and got me and Chris. The morning really didn’t set in all the way until she asked me to change into the gown and non-slip socks. I have a complete breakdown, half-way naked – one leg out of my yoga pants. Chris didn’t know what to do – he just looked at me and kept repeating, “Babe, we are going to get through this. You WILL have a baby. I promise.” Eventually I get dressed, get the IV, and wait until it’s time to go back.
The next nurse comes in and gives me this relaxer in my IV. This was the best drug EVER. I was laughing hysterically all the way to the surgery room. They put that mask thing over my face and then I am out.
I wake up about 30 minutes later with this song playing over and over in my head – I Wanna Know Now, Know Now, Will You Love Me Again?!
Do you know that song?
Anyways, once I realize what just happened I just start crying. The nurse immediately asks if I am in pain and I just keep repeating the baby is gone, it’s really over. She holds my hand and says I am going to go get your husband. He comes back to the room and just holds my hand and comforts me. He was so supportive!
After that I started to come back into real life and get out of this grogginess, depressed mode and realize how cold I am. I was shaking and teeth were clattering. The nurses bring some warm blankets and I just lay there until it’s time to go home.
By the time we got in the truck, this sense of calmness came over me. It was so sudden. I had been praying for peace and I just knew at that moment that God had heard me and he provided.
It was over.
No more worrying about passing anything. No more worrying.
It was over. I could start over and begin the process of moving on. I could really just grieve and move past this.
Side note –
One thing that I would like to say about the D&C procedure that I did not expect was how sore and cramped up I have been since Friday. On Sunday I collapsed, literally, threw-up, and was all over sweating, nauseous, and seeing colors. I am not sure if this was normal – I had not felt like I had overdone it. I had gone to Home Depot and walked just a little bit – nothing major, super light movement. Maybe the wedding that I attended the night before took it out of me? Not sure. So that is something that I will be calling the doctor about. To be honest, I am rarely sick – so I am just not used to having to take it easy. Overall that entire instance built up to and lasted about an hour – I spent the rest of the day on the couch just recovering and resting. If you are wondering why I didn’t go to the ER – I didn’t see the point, there wasn’t any bleeding and after laying down and spending time recovering, I felt better – just very tired.
I know that this is a long post – I hope I didn’t lose too many of you or offend. As of right now, which is Monday, I am feeling much better. I feel a lot more like myself and my soul is healing. To look at this half-full I am grateful that I can get pregnant, I am grateful that – even for that small amount of time – I got to experience being pregnant and the joy that comes with that. I hope that I will be able to get pregnant easily again.