I never thought I’d be with you. I thought I’d always be with him.
But then again, I never thought I would lose him either. I didn’t think he would leave me so early when we had our whole lives ahead of us. He was full of happiness and funny jokes. He always made me smile and taught me how to love. Before him, I’d never known love, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to see the lifeless, cold body of a boy I’d grown up with, fallen in love with and imagined a future with. It was the worst pain, the worst anxiety and the worst depression I’d ever known.
Then loosing my grandma followed and the pain was all very real on top of my already grieving heart. She was the woman who had taught me to enjoy the little things and the one lady I truly looked up to. I admired her more than anyone; her strength, passion for helping other and love of life and her family was astounding. She was incredibly energetic and spontaneous and I miss her. I miss them both.
Throughout the months and years after loosing them, I have grieved and mourned. PTSD, depression and sleepless nights are all so real and cold. Loosing my first love was the worst. He was too young, we were too in love and he had a whole life ahead of him. That is why, at times, it is hard for me to move on.
I want to thank you for not taking advantage of a mentally unstable girl when you first met me. Even though it was years later, I never fully recovered. I wasn’t even close to okay when you found me. You took a broken girl and showed her that she can love again, and even laugh until her belly aches again. You made me look forward to a future that I often thought I didn’t even want to be a part of.
You made me want to live another day and you helped me to see how blessed I truly am. I am not sure where I’d be without you, maybe still lost. Maybe slowly getting better, I’m not sure. But one thing I know for sure; before you, nothing seemed possible again. I looked at everyone as though I would lose them just like I did my boyfriend and my grandma. I had nightmares and trouble eating. You changed everything.
It has not been easy. Your patience has exceeded what any humans should. You have loved me, cared for me and never given up on me. You have nurtured my wounds and given me hope once again. I can never thank you enough for all of the depression and mental breakdowns that you have been there through. Holding my hand or listening to me cry, you’ve been there. And that is all that matters. Thank you for being you.