I don’t mind moving on. It’s something that needs to happen. We are two people going different places. Nothing in common except a passion for life and new experiences. We weren’t going to make it. We never stood a chance. But it’s funny how easily you can convince yourself otherwise when caught up in new romance’s tide.
I don’t want to call myself a fool. Truth is I don’t regret a single moment. The relationship was life-giving. He thrilled my mind and intrigued my body. He introduced me to a new way of living. Less restricted by the outside world, unobtainable to those who sit content inside boxes.
Our romance was rare and unlikely but the whole point of it was to learn.
I learned I’m prone to run. I always choose men who ultimately I know will set me free. Past my cries for companionship lie something much deeper- a need to be independent.
I don’t know when or if that will ever fade. I’m terrified I will grow old with that instinct still driving me away from the people I love.
He wouldn’t let me push him away on my own terms. I have a formula, see. I connect with someone. I usually let it last for about 3 or 4 months tops and then I aim to have my heartbroken. To make them the enemy. Make it as painful and draining as possible so I know I will never be able to look back. Let hate fuel heartbreak until it becomes a distant numbness.
But this was a new experience.
In my eyes, we were perfect. Things were moving along quite nicely and rather unexpectedly for two people so vastly different from one another. I didn’t want it to end. If it hadn’t been for his impending move to the Northeast for law school, I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I would be curled up in his arms, his dog in-between, content and in love.
I think I was in love although, ashamedly, I never told him. If not in love, then infatuated beyond control at least. He consumed me. My every thought belonged to him for a time. But it wasn’t a need to be with him that drove me to this point- it was a want.
I wanted him more than anything but I didn’t need him.
I miss his sharp edges and gentle creativity. I miss cooking together and the way we inspired one another. I miss kissing him and the way he made me feel so safe but I can step back now and see the bigger picture. The one where our personal convictions and life goals would eventually lead us to part ways. That’s why this breakup, although unexpected in the moment, was inevitable.
He is not what I need.
My greatest fear remains that he thought his dreams were too big for me. My bigger fear is that I would’ve gone to the ends of the world with him to prove we were meant to be… even if I knew we were not.
Because he is not what I need.
I need steadfast. I need solid. I need someone who puts my needs before his own. Someone bold enough and patient enough to pursue a wild mess like me when I’m ready to run away. I need to change what I’m looking for.
But if only our wants and needs aligned.
What a cruel twist of life that we always want what we can’t have.
In the end, I’m thankful he called it off before I gave myself over to him completely. Before I could sink any further into his life and him into mine. Before we were too deeply welded together to be pulled apart without disfigurement. He saved me from a pain far worse than what I’m suffering through now.
And that is what I needed.