The question isn’t if we’ve experienced it, it’s how many of us have. How many of us are still heartbroken over a guy we never dated? How many of us still go through old text messages, trying to figure out exactly where everything changed? How many of us replay old conversations and think of what we should’ve said to make us sound more chill, more laid back, less intense?
Maybe we should’ve put more “lol’s” and not cared if we didn’t get the usual good morning text. Maybe we should’ve been nonchalant when they reached out; acting as if their presence was hardly noticed. Maybe that would’ve gotten their attention and made them intrigued by our disinterest. But no, we weren’t able to do that. Instead, we felt a connection through the constant conversations. We started to look forward to seeing their name pop up on our screen to ask how our day went, if we’ve had food yet, and if we’re okay. We looked into those questions and the conversations where they asked us every question from our favorite color to our biggest insecurity and formed a trust with them.
It was a safe place because after saying our first comment that broke down our guard and showed some vulnerability, they accepted it and encouraged more. We had been hiding behind those guards for so long because so many before had ridiculed us for them that this new acceptance was a haven. And we went with it. I mean, we do only share those private parts of us with those we can see ourselves going further with. So we continued.
Weeks pass by, months pass by, and by now, you feel you’ve shown your true self, you’ve shared your true self, and you’ve accepted their true self. But other than the breaking down of walls, the relationship has not progressed further, at least not to the destination you were hoping for. You’ve showed genuine concern, you’ve shown genuine care, and you’ve expressed your feelings. Come to find out, they like you too. The topic of relationship comes up. Family members begin to ask what this is and while you’re unsure because there’s still no title, you’re certain it’s coming soon. “It’s just not the right time,” you say to explain why you’re smitten over a boy you don’t call your boyfriend. But those questions start to bother you because you want him to be your boyfriend. You wouldn’t have discussed how many kids you want in the future, if sex could be gone without, and which side of the bed you have to sleep on if you didn’t.
You knew from the start that this wasn’t going to be just a friend. No one talks to just a friend all day every day, and dives headfirst into our inner thoughts and fears. No, you knew what this was. This was a potential. A possibility. It was different than strictly platonic.
There was flirting and innuendos. There were all these reasons why a relationship could be possible to be had, but then, without even any warning, that was all gone. The future suddenly disappeared all because they are no longer wanting to pursue one. They want to take back the innuendos and flirting and be just a friend. They want to back pedal and say that it isn’t possible to be more and now you can’t help but wonder why. We did say we wanted more, didn’t we? What happened? What went wrong? But, I shared my heart with you. I let you in, in a way that’s hard for me to do. Why don’t you see it anymore?
These questions haunt you at night while you’re replaying what they’ve told you. “I don’t think I’m ready to date.” “It’s not you, it’s me.” You read into all these excuses, because that’s what they are, and you start to blame yourself. Maybe he’s just not ready to date me. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe he’ll be ready if I was someone else. All these thoughts run through your head as you cry over ice cream for a boy that was never yours. You feel hurt, heartbroken, played, betrayed. All these emotions from a relationship that never was.
But that’s okay. It hurts to give a part of your heart to someone and have it handed back to you. It makes you question if your heart is even good enough to be offering because here we are, again, receiving it back from someone we thought could take care of it. It’s not a fun feeling, but one thing I’m learning is that, not everyone deserves our heart. We take chances and when they don’t work, we need to dust ourselves off and learn to hold onto our hearts longer next time.
Don’t fall for the hope that “I can see it happening.” I honestly think that if you can see it happening, you’ll make it happen. And if no one is making it happen, or one is delaying the process, (and the reason isn’t actually logical), then take your heart and move on.
You may not agree but I believe that people know if and when they want to be with someone. It doesn’t take months or years to decide if you want to be with them and only them and not have to share them.
And once you’ve made that decision, nothing should stand in your way. If we both like each other and want to be with only each other, we’re both making that risk to make it work. If you can’t handle the risk, then maybe it isn’t worth enough to you, but we fight for the things we want. We fight for the people we want. I was willing to take that risk. I gave him a piece of my heart to show that I was willing to take the plunge and dive in, but sometimes they don’t see it working. And if that’s the case, while my first thought is to think it’s because of something I did, my second thought needs to be gratitude that I didn’t risk it all on someone not even willing to risk a little. It’s not my fault. There’s no conversation to replay or things I should’ve said. I am who I am and I meant every word, and if that for any reason was a factor to us not being a “we”, then I’m glad I still have my heart.
Slightly bruised because I saw the possibility and allowed him to enter my heart, but still intact because he stopped me from committing to what would’ve been a party of one. There will be someone who’s willing to commit to that risk and continue further with me. I’ll be waiting for him.