I Tried, But We Really Can’t Be Friends

istockphoto.com / epicurean
istockphoto.com / epicurean

I miss the girl I was when I was with you. Before the heartbreak, before the sadness. You somehow got what was going on in my head and now it all just piles up and spills out on nights like tonight. I feel like I always reach out because besides my sister, you’re the only one I trust with the thoughts in my head.

I had to train myself to stop telling you all those things first. You can’t be that person for me anymore.

I waited a few days to tell you about abroad, it didn’t slip my mind like I said. It took all my effort not to call you first. You’re the only person I think to tell when I get exciting news. How did it take me so long to realize? I don’t want to hurt you but here’s the truth: in trying to keep you from hurting, I’ve been slowly killing myself.

 I don’t know what to do about you. I don’t want you back.

We weren’t right as a couple. But here I am crying at 3 am because I miss you. Maybe this is why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex. The distance will kill you.

You used to be my everything, now you’re a few random texts a week.

 I don’t think I can do this.

You may have ended the relationship but I think I need to end this friendship. You may see me as a friend but I look at you and see the eyes that cried as they left me heartbroken on my dorm room floor. I see the boy I gave everything to and in consequence, lost everything in.

I see the person who used to be my other half. I can’t separate the two and I shouldn’t have to. Maybe friendship is making it impossible to move on. Maybe letting you go entirely is the only way for me to be happy again. 

I still look for that twinkle in your eye or your fascination with random things. I watch you light up about things you love, and even watched you be quirky you with your new girlfriend.  You even high five her shrugs too. I pretended that didn’t bother me, it was fine, that wasn’t our thing, right?

Then I remembered that we don’t have things, because we aren’t a thing anymore. And that’s how I know it isn’t over for me. It never will be because I never let that chapter close. I rushed so quickly into friendship because I knew it’s what you wanted and I didn’t want to hurt you (unbelievable- you break my heart and I worry about hurting you).

 I’m sorry but it’s time. I can’t stand aside for you, just because I love you. This is for me. I need my happiness back because I think I left it all with you. I wish you well I do, but please, I don’t want to see you again. TC mark

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