Even Though I Know This Is The End, I Still Love You

Tim Gouw

Would I do this again? I asked myself. I used to say I wouldn’t. Not knowing how it was like to be in love with you meant I wouldn’t have to go through this pain of trying to let go of you. I wouldn’t know how it is like to miss you everyday, to hope your message flashes on my phone. I wouldn’t know how it feels like to be completely and utterly empty. My eyes wouldn’t sting from crying every single day, my bed wouldn’t be so slept in because I can’t seem to find the strength to wake up and face reality without you in it. I wouldn’t know how it is like to drag myself out of bed to meet my friends and pretend there is not a gaping hole in my heart, to laugh at jokes and make conversations, all the while hoping I’m home and crying my heart out. I wouldn’t have to stop myself from scrolling through our past conversations of “I love you always” and “I’ll never let go of you” and “I want to marry you”. I wouldn’t have to control myself from texting you everyday, wondering how you’re doing and asking you “why do you want to be alone”, “how could you leave me” and beg you to choose me again. I won’t have to know how painful broken promises are and how change indeed happens within a day. That the person who couldn’t go a day without talking to you don’t even want to talk to you now. That someone who used to want to be with you and spend most of their time with you now wants to be alone and do his own stuff. If I didn’t love you, I won’t have to experience how it is like for a person to leave your life like you mean nothing to them after spending years building a life together.

But now, would I do this again? I would. I was happy. You’ve given me more joy and happiness than anyone ever could, even more than I could give myself. I laughed like crazy with you and I smiled like crazy with you. I was happily in love with you. From the smallest moments – staying in, watching Netflix and cuddling together under the sheets, to the big moments – birthday celebrations with friends and families and exploring the world together, I cherish them all. I cherish every moment with you because they made me feel lucky. Lucky that I didn’t hesitate to kiss you when I want to, to hug you when you make me feel loved, to say I love you every chance I get. Sure, there were days that I regret, days that I made you feel insecure, angry and lost and days that I let you fall asleep without feeling loved. But I’m thankful that all the times that I’ve given up, you didn’t. You gave me more time to treat you better and to love you more, I’m always grateful for that. I was lucky to have found you, to spend years of my life with you, having someone to love every part of me even when I was unlovable. If I didn’t love you, I would’ve never known the comfort of a hug after a bad day at work, the warm and fuzzy feeling inside waking up to your sleepy face and how safe I felt just by holding your hand.

Now that we’ve ended, it only hurts like hell because you gave me a lot to remember by, so much to know what I’ve lost. You used to fight for our love, now I’ll fight for us. I don’t know how long I can fight for or whether it will be worth it. Still, you’ve taught me to be strong for the other person and it is my turn now. I will love you until I can’t anymore. I will love you until I am ready to move on. I will love you again, even if I know this is the end. TC mark

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