You’ve taught me more about self-respect than anything else.
You used me. You saw me as an object, not as a human being. You didn’t want to get to know me, you didn’t care to hear about my hopes and dreams, you weren’t interested in my favorite books or songs. The only thing on your mind was, “How on earth can I get in her pants?”
I was ridiculous to think that you would want to take me on a date or text me good morning or ask about my day. No, that would be way too much effort for you. And treating me well was never your intention.
I blame myself for not seeing it coming. I shouldn’t have believed that maybe you did like me, maybe you did want something more than a hookup. But that would’ve been stupid. And all that thinking was clouded with your sweet talk and too many vodka sodas. I was in your trap, and you knew it.
After you got what you wanted, a sudden shift in the atmosphere occurred. All of a sudden, you didn’t want me to be there anymore. You achieved your goal, and now there was no more of a reason to spend any more time with me.
But what about how I felt? I wanted to know about your day, and I wanted to know what was on your mind, and I wanted to know how I could make it better. But when you barely said a word to me and I saw the boredom and discomfort in your eyes, I knew you didn’t want any of that. You wanted me to leave.
You were so interested in getting with me, but you weren’t interested in getting to know me.
And so I walked out the door with my head held high, promising myself that I will not let myself feel this used again.
I got home, showered, and then checked my phone to see if you texted, to see if I was maybe wrong. You would not text me all day — you were not interested in talking.
I had to look at myself in the mirror and think, “Is this really how you want to be treated? Like a plaything? Like an object?”
I made the decision, right there, that I would not let myself be treated like an object again. And to do so, I would need to change the way I viewed myself, and actually value myself for the woman I was created to be.
For a long time I’ve felt like guys only wanted to hook up with me but never really get to know me. And the more I was treated poorly, the more I believed that I actually didn’t deserve a great guy. Or that maybe I’m not good enough, pretty enough, or have a good enough personality to be treated with love and care. Or that other girls were the ones that ended up with their Prince Charmings, not me.
But no more. That is a lie that I will not believe anymore.
It reminds me of a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” You showed me that I didn’t think I deserved that much and that needed to change.
I deserve a guy who will love me, not use me. I am worthy of being fully known and fully loved. I am worthy of a man that is patient, kind, selfless, honoring. A guy who will love all my quirks, who will appreciate my curiosity for the world, who will send me music he thinks I’ll like. He will not view me as a means to an end, but instead see a future with me in it.
He will not look at me the way you looked at me.
I am getting married to a wonderful man – it’s just a matter of when and who, and it certainly will not be you. I’m letting go of the hurt that you’ve caused me and I’m looking forward to a beautiful love story.
I’m done getting used by assholes like you. From here on out, I will move forward until there’s a guy who is interested in me as a human being, who wants to know the real me. I am moving forward until a guy looks at me, and even though he might like the outside, he’s much more interested in what’s on the inside.
And I don’t mind how long that’ll take. I would rather be alone and feel great about myself than get with guys who make me feel like crap.
I’ll wait for a guy who will love me for who I am, not for what I will give them. And the wait will certainly be worth it.
So long, sucker.