1. I measure time completely by the moments we had together.
It seems to wash over me at the most unexpected times. I’ll be in a group of people who have nothing to do with you, and have no prior knowledge of you. But then a thought, a place, or a moment will tiptoe it’s way from my brain to my heart, and I’ll realize last time I thought this, last time I was here, last time this happened…things were different. You were here.
2. My memory is even more impeccable than I thought.
I remember everything about whatever the hell we actually were. Not just dates and times, but stuff no one in their right mind should remember. Like exactly what shirt ended up in the back of your Jeep that time, the exact print and color of the Old Navy purse my eyes shifted to nervously on our first date, just to avoid your beautiful hazel ones, and the names we gave our kids when we joked about our future together. (P.S: One of those names is now your new girlfriend’s name, so there’s that)
3. I am vulnerable and emotional in the weirdest ways.
I could watch any romantic comedy and/or drama and not shed a tear. The Fault In Our Stars? No reason for me to cry there, although a very touching book. I have seven best friends, who even though are like sisters to me, did not get me the way you did. I have a short list of the people that have seen me at my worst, and all of them have known me for more than half my life. Not ten months. Except you. I’ve let you in more than anyone else has even tried.
4. If you’re reading this (maybe you will) you probably don’t feel the same way that I do right now.
Considering you have a new girlfriend, and are what you had always deemed “relatively happy”, you probably don’t think of me half as much as I think of you. That’s alright though, it’s not like I expect you to be in anyway heartbroken over this stupid little thing which dented your heart, and wrecked mine. I was the one who put all my eggs in one basket, and took your promises for the summer to heart.
5. If I feel something, I’m gonna fucking tell you.
I don’t care when it is. I don’t care if I’m making an idiot out of myself or if I’m not playing by the fucked up “rules” some Carrie Bradshaw-esque blogger posted about love in 2001. If I feel it, you’re gonna hear it. I’ll talk your ear off, I’ll cry until there aren’t any tears left, and I’ll make you feel bad for making me upset. And then I’ll feel bad for doing anything to make you unhappy.
6. I’m not one of the girls in the movies that I thought I was.
The perfect guy comes along, and I won’t push him away. Didn’t push you away, did I? I don’t have “walls” or a “scarred heart”, well maybe now I do, but it in no way shape or form is it to the point where I can’t open myself to love. Maybe I just haven’t been hurt enough yet, but I haven’t given up hope. I’m not a cynic like everybody else. I’m not a girl who wants a bad boy, or picks guys that are bad for her. I’m looking to love someone as much as they can love me.
7. Not everyone cares as much as I do.
The people I have come in contact with the past few years at college, and even the people that I have known all my life all surprised me. I care so much about everything, and down to every little single aspect of everyones life. If I can make their day better, I do it. I sacrifice my own time, money, and day to make someone else’s. It’s taken me you to realize that not everyone is like us. It doesn’t make me any better of a person than anyone else. It’s surprising is all. I like to think it’s a rare quality to find.
8. No one is ever going to want to “be” with me in that way.
Even though it’s not the extreme, life changing that way, it’s more than just the kiss in schoolyard way. Let’s leave it at that.
9. I won’t be spending every birthday for the rest of my life alone.
Okay, this one is a bit of a joke. Yes, I knew I wouldn’t be spending every single birthday for the rest of my life alone. Like I said, I try my best not to be cynical. I guess I’m just doing this to bring up the fact that you gave me the best birthday I had in twenty years, and all you did was take me out to dinner, which is what “normal” twenty year olds do on a daily basis with an array of attractive men. I also wanted to bring up the fact that the restaurant we went to didn’t have standard Heinz ketchup.
10. You call me by my nickname, and there are instant tears.
Not everyone is allowed to call me Ash. Not everyone does call me Ash. It’s about fifty-fifty between my best friends, most of my family is a fan of the nickname. Most of my friends at school fluctuate between the casual and short texting, Ash, and the long winded Ashley when beckoning for my presence. But when a simple sound, such as Ash comes from your lips, it brings back every memory I have of sitting in that staircase, when we talked about how you’d come home from work, I’d be chopping vegetables for a salad, and you’d sneak up behind me, arms around my waist, whispering the name in my ear with a kiss to my cheek.