Okay world, it’s time to come clean: I am one of those people. You know the kind. The obnoxious, reprehensible, “I knew ____ before it was cool” kind. I wish I could explain my behavior. I wish I could tell you that it comes from a place of heartbreak, that I was left out of too many games of red rover as a child and thus have a deep-seated fear of fitting-in and a desperate desire to standout. I wish I could grovel at your feet and say, “Hey, I know I kind of suck but maybe you could give me a chance anyway?”
But I can’t because I am not just one of THOSE people; no, I belong to the very worst subset of this hated population. Not only do I obsess over indie bands, grassroots movements, and obscure cultural references, but I am nearly incapable of appreciating anything enjoyed by the masses. Once it hits the Top 40 charts (whether that be in television, music or otherwise), I throw in the towel. I’m over it. It’s not like I do it on purpose – at least I don’t think I do – I just have a natural aversion to anything with universal appeal. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Or a douche. Or both.
I guess don’t know what it is, but I do know that I’ve nearly missed out on a ton of awesome things because I was too caught up in my little bubble of obscurity. So, in one shallow attempt of reparation, I leave you with a list of cool things I almost missed out on because I AM AN IDIOT/I thought they were too mainstream:
1. Katy Perry.
2. Following parody twitter accounts.
3. Jeggings. Okay, they’re not always the most flattering and/or appropriate piece of apparel, but have you worn that shit? I don’t care what you say Joan Rivers, Jeggings are a stretchy gift from the gods.
4. Taking mood elevators and/or painkillers for fun.
5. YouTubing cat videos for hours at a time.
6. Mainlining chai lattes.
7. Keeping Up With The Kardashians. More specifically: Kim K’s crying face..
8. New York City. I know, I know. I used to hate the city with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Trashy smells, dirty surfaces, the imminent threat of murder around every corner… I saw it as nothing more than a disgusting landfill of stock brokers, trust fund babies, and hooded figures with guns. Luckily I grew up to see the light and now miss the god damned place every single day of my life.
9. Thought Catalog.
10. The iPhone. The Verizon salesperson basically had to pry my pink Razr out of my cold, dead hands. Minus the dead part. Don’t even get me started on my first Nokia. R.I.P Snake.
11. Adopting British colloquialisms/spelling (see #19)
12. Asking my parents for help, both financial and emotional.
13. Consuming massive quantities of alcohol in one sitting. I wasn’t invited to parties in high school because people thought I’d “tell on them.” Flash forward a few years to me passed out on frat basement couches at least three times a week.
14. Brunch. Hello! Waffles? Champagne? I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. If you’re not living for brunch YOU ARE NOT LIVING.
15. Choosing and committing to a career. Still working on this one.
16. Being an angsty teenager/20-something. Will always be working on this one.
17. The Oxford Comma. Also: oxford shoes.
18. Blurred Lines.
19. Categorising everything in life into easy-to-read lists.
20. Buying a Kindle.
21. Chelsea Fagan. True story: I used to ride the Ryan O’Connell express. I would frequent TC but only read Ryan’s articles, or articles Ryan referenced or tweeted about. I didn’t have anything against the other writers, I just thought that Ryan was the cat’s pajamas. Then one fateful day at work I clicked through to one of Chelsea’s articles and I heard the angels sing. Okay, not really, but I am glad I gave her the chance because girl has got it going on. Hi Chelsea!.
22. Actively trying to be a better person.