So far, you’ve learned from your interactions with me that I am someone who is very easy to please, yet the smallest thing will upset me. You’ve learned that I am a passionate lover but I can give up so quickly. There are days where you see me at my worst; moments where I feel like I’m never going to recover. I feel like I’m stranded, confused, and alone.
But on other days you see me as someone who is the complete opposite of that girl. A girl who isn’t really a girl, but a woman. Someone who takes on the world with her head high and her heart full. You see me as someone who can handle anything thrown my way and not stumble once. There are so many things about me that you’ve learned over our time together.
I want to take this time to thank you. Thank you for handling a deadly individual who can switch personalities like the wind can shift directions.
I want to thank you for everything you’ve ever had to deal with when it comes to me because I am not easy to love. I am not easy to enjoy. I am not easy to be around when it comes down to it. Sometimes my head is full of thoughts that I cannot get rid of, and my chest is full of land mines that explode when even a slight breeze crosses over them.
There have been times where you have seen me touch places in my brain that I cannot come back from. Dark places that try their damnedest to swallow me whole. But there you are. A light in the dark that helps keep me focused. You bring me back from places that I could not escape from on my own. I thank you for being alive in this century. I am so grateful that you are alive and walking this earth at the same time and same place I am. It’s a blessing that I could never appreciate enough.
When you stepped into my life you knew that there would not be a manual to help you out. You stepped into a world that was new to you and already frightening to me. Since being on this trip, you’ve learned more about suicide, depression, and anxiety than you ever thought possible. You’ve seen the petrifying faces of all three demons and how they’ve ran my life for years. You’ve seen how real they can be, working together to drive me insane and cause me to forget who I really am. You did not have a road map to direct you when you tried to help me. You had no “suicide hotline” to call to tell you what to do with me when I was in the darkest place of my existence, when all I wanted to do was stop the pain and halt the breathing. You had nothing, yet knew everything. You have been a blessing sent from the unknown.
My body does not come with instructions, and sometimes I don’t even know what to do with it.
I’ve struggled for most of my life with how to handle my own body, thoughts, and actions. And you’ve personally seen that I am my own destruction. I am a ticking time bomb every day I wake up. And yet, you have been given the tools to cut the correct wires as soon as your eyes open each day. You keep me alive. You keep me going. You are the reason I have come so far in life. You are the one I’ve needed for so many years. So here’s to you.
This cannot be easy, by any means. But still, you touch me anyway.
Thank you, my love, for saving me from myself each day.
The world deserves to know what you do for me on a daily basis.