My first encounters with sex were not good ones. You hear horror stories about girls’ first times and you assume (desperately hope) that it probably gets better. So when it doesn’t, it can break you a bit. I started to wonder if this was just what sex was for me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have it. And if I was, maybe I wasn’t meant to enjoy it. I was still very young with very little experience but I had such negative connotations with sex that it made me very hesitant to engage in it.
My first time was not technically my “first time”… but in every other sense of what a first time could mean to someone, it absolutely was.
I had known him for awhile. He could make me laugh until my stomach hurt and we could talk for hours about the meaning of life and whether the ending of The Big Lebowski is heartbreakingly sad or incredibly hopeful. I was comfortable with him. I trusted him.
The first time we attempted to have sex, it didn’t go well.
It was disheartening but it was also, unfortunately, pretty expected for me by now.
He wanted to try again. I really wanted to, too. But I also felt like it was just a lost cause. I felt like this was my problem that I didn’t know how to fix. I didn’t want to let him down again.
But I really liked this guy. And I wasn’t quite ready to bury myself under a hole from sexual embarrassment and push someone away again.
I went into it expecting the worst. My anxiety and my insecurities were already starting to flood my brain. I’m sure he could see the nervousness all over my face and feel the tension in my body because he looked at me said, “We don’t have to get it right, we are just figuring each other out.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear. This wasn’t my problem. I had nothing to prove to him. I had nothing to prove to anyone. We were in the same boat. We were in it together. We were just figuring each other out.
We had sex. And it was amazing.
I will always be grateful to this guy for showing me patience and for not ignoring my fears and my worries but helping me address them. I don’t know how long I may have gone on with this skewed idea of sex and thinking I wasn’t good enough for it or thinking it wasn’t good enough for me. Sex is whatever you want it to be. Your “first time” is whatever you want it to be. And that’s why it should be perfect, for you.
If you’re a late bloomer who hasn’t had sex yet and wonder if you ever will, don’t worry. If you’re terrified of the idea of sex and the pain and awkwardness that come with it, don’t worry. And if you’re like me, and you’ve had not so great sexual experiences and you just assume this is what your sex life is doomed to be, don’t worry. You are in control of your own body. Don’t give up on your sex life and don’t give in to mediocre sex life. “You don’t need to get it right, you are just figuring yourself out.” Your “first time” will come if it hasn’t already and it will be well worth the wait.