1. There’s never been a more effective diet.
You can’t afford food, you can’t afford alcohol, and you have to walk everywhere because you can’t afford to put gas in my car. You’re walking around Whole Foods almost on the verge of tears because all they have for samples is gluten free cereal while also trying to decide if the tuna, hummus, and sriracha in your fridge would make a yummy salad.
2. You become incredibly skilled at passive aggressive conversations with your parents.
Like, yah Mom. Things are going fine I guess if you consider your only daughter is living in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the country and she wouldn’t even be able to protect myself if she tried because she’s so malnourished.
3. Prioritizing your bills becomes an art.
You know the exact date they’ll turn off your phone and internet service without paying a bill and plan your life and trips to the coffee shops accordingly.
4. Your internet history is full of links to “free activities to do around the city”.
You don’t want anyone to know how poor you actually are so you become that friend who’s constantly suggesting farmers markets, movies in the park, hikes, and BYOB restaurants.
5. Your bank suddenly becomes that nosy aunt constantly making sure everything is okay.
Ugh. Getting messages from your bank wondering if you’re aware that your account balance is low is the biggest dagger to my ego. Like, YES BANK OF AMERICA. Do you not think I just sat through dinner in a puddle of sweat wondering if my card would go through from ordering a side salad and a bud lite while everybody else got steaks and bottles of rose? Should we split the bill? NO, WE FUCKING SHOULD NOT.
6. Stripping suddenly doesn’t seem so bad.
I’d be lying if I said that during one of my “poor” spells I haven’t googled things like “how many porn stars actually get STDs?” or “can you be a prostitute that only hooks up with hot guys?”
7. If people could see your spending habits the first few days after payday, they’d think you made 6 figures
It’s like you totally forgot how miserable and uncomfortable your life was for the last two weeks. You have this incredible urge to immediately blow all your money on all the things you were just deprived from. Why not buy these teeny tiny plates from Anthropologie that aren’t dishwasher safe and cost more than half my rent?!? Go on, you deserve them. They’ll look just great with that tuna hummus salad you’ll be eating at the end of the month.