1. Right before you get your period, your body mimics pregnancy.
The amount of times I’ve googled “early pregnancy signs” the week before I get my period is a little over the top. Yes WebMD, I know that 90% of the time it’s pre-menstrual symptoms, but my double A cup breasts are sore and now a full A cup and WHAT IF IT’S BECAUSE THERE’S A TINY HUMAN INSIDE ME?!
2. CRAMPS DUDE, cramps.
I don’t know how quite to describe menstrual cramps besides someone sticking a pole up into your uterus with a thousand sharp claws on the end of it. Then tying a rope to that pole and pulling on it with all their might. That person is Satan.
Stock up on ibuprofen and heating pads and try to make a small human or animal sit on your stomach — it feels AMAZING.
3. Diets won’t matter this week.
Maybe this is my own personal hell but no matter how obedient and disciplined I am during the other 3 weeks of the month — it’s all about to go to shit. Last month I found myself crumbling up potato chips into a tub of cream cheese and eating it with a spoon.
Also, did you know that you’re actually NOT supposed to work out during your period? Not sure how true that is but I’ll take it since I feel like an actual water buffalo on the treadmill.
4. You can never have enough tampons.
Again, if you’re anything like me, you realize around 4 pm that you forgot an extra tampon and you start to convince yourself you’ve already gotten toxic shock.
You then proceed to participate in “the exchange” where you coyly ask any woman in close proximity if they have a tampon. God bless that girl who always has a tampon, seriously… if you are one of those girls, GOD BLESS YOU!
You then do a handoff in the bathroom, or under a table, or inside your sleeves — anything to make sure that no member of the opposite sex is made aware that women actually do get periods.
5. As much as you may try to deny it, mood swings ARE real.
I like to play myself off as a very laid back, drama free kind of girl. And for the most part, I am.
But if one of those Subaru commercials comes on showing the child and car aging simultaneously and the single dad working hard to save up to buy her a new one to send her off to college with… it will sound as though I’m the last one left on the Titanic and I’ve just watched all my friends and family die. Deep, DEEP cries of desperation for anything slightly meaningful in my life. “Love. It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.” Fuck you, Subaru. Fuck you.
6. You’re so horny but you’re so gross.
I could come home to my boyfriend passed out on the couch watching hockey with his hands down his pants and legitimately want him more than ever.
But then it gets down to it and you just feel disgusting and fat and tired and it’s SOOOOO messy. Your bedroom will either look like a crime scene from Law and Order or else you’ll end up putting a towel down and feel like an unbroken house dog. Sigh. I will say, sex is GREAT for cramps though…
So yeah, periods blow. Like, the fact that one fourth of our year is spent in this hell is slightly cruel. Just remember, you’re not crazy for thinking you’re pregnant every month or for dying to have sex but then yelling at your boyfriend if he tries.
And you’re not crazy for crying at that episode of Full House, because to be honest, DJ went through some TOUGH shit and Bob Saget always had the right thing to say.
You’re just a girl, on her period. And us girls are all right here with you. And we will try to remember to pack an extra tampon.