There is a big difference between being “nice” and being a “people pleaser.”
People mix these up all the time. I get told that I am “so sweet” a lot and that is absolutely hilarious to me (and probably to anyone who knows me really well).
It’s not necessarily that I can’t be nice and sweet and all that cute stuff, but to be honest, people pleasing is completely selfish. It’s me having this horrible anxiety that someone has some sort of expectation of me and that I may let them down in some form. It’s my incessant need to be accepted and approved and liked. It’s my narcissistic life.
And, unfortunately, I come across as fake as fuck.
This directly correlates to my temptation to always put a smiley face emoji at the end of a semi confrontational text. (Like why do I need to add so many “?!?!?!?!” when I ask my roommate if they can take out the trash?!?!?!?!)
The truth is, you’re probably not fooling anyone when you’re a people pleaser. People will catch on quickly to your desire to avoid upsetting anyone at all costs — and they will either take complete advantage of it or call you out on it.
I’ve actually had ex-boyfriends and close friends stand up to me for my lack of confrontation. But in all honesty, always backing down and always giving in sort of make it seem like you don’t really give a shit. Never standing up for yourself is completely unfair, because it never really lets people in.
I also spread myself soooo incredibly thin. I genuinely can’t say no to anyone without trying to make up some excuse about how I need to clean my shoes or something.
I actually find myself resenting people for even asking me to do things in the first place, because I can’t say no and they have to know that. So I end up making a ton of different plans with a million different people when all I really want to do is go buy a bottle of wine and watch the X-Files.
You know what else? I’ve hooked up with guys I definitely wouldn’t have if they didn’t buy me that cheeseburger and call me pretty.
Ugh. My fear of being called a bitch is almost as debilitating as my fear of not pleasing people. I don’t know where this idea started that I owe a guy anything when they come talk to me or buy me a drink or just act like any other normal human would.
A couple of weeks ago I lost my wallet at a bar and later this guy came up to me with my credit card and said he would give it back to me if I gave him my number. (WTF? Is robbery a pick-up tactic now?)
I should have alerted a bouncer or told the guy off, but instead I just smiled and giggled and gave the infamous, “I have a boyfriend.” He still looked upset as he walked away and I couldn’t help but think, “Am I a bitch?”
But no matter what I do, there are still going to be people who just won’t like me.
I don’t like bacon. I know, that’s insane. Believe me, being a well-fed girl from Nebraska, I have tried and tried and I just can’t get into it. So, does that mean that bacon isn’t good? Literally everyone else in the whole world would say ‘hell no.’
Be like bacon. Don’t let the idiots like me make you question your worth. You may not be someone’s cup of tea, but you don’t have to make that your problem.
This advice is all easier said than done and obviously I am still struggling with it every single day. Just try to remember that we probably aren’t here to run ourselves down and drive ourselves crazy in order to make everybody else happy.
Start with yourself first. The rest you can make up as you go.