To The Man Who Loved Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

woman holding man's hand while smiling
Benjaminrobyn Jespersen / Unsplash

Our relationship was a beautiful disaster. We fought about everything. We fought about the little things such as having the AC on or off, music on the radio, and what to watch on TV. We fought about big things too such as how to deal with my anxiety, your inability to share your feelings, and your “white lies” that weren’t so white to me. We were and still are polar opposites who tried to build a relationship from a thin common ground of sarcasm, attraction, and caring. All great elements, but they couldn’t stand alone. A relationship needs so much more than that.

Yet even though we weren’t right for one another, our love is still my favorite, thus far. Even though we drove each other crazy, I was crazy about you. You are a true gentleman. You would pay even when your bank account was low, helped me move and assemble all my furniture, opened doors, chauffeured me around, ran my errands, the list could go on and on.

You were my knight in plaid flannel armor, you always came to my rescue in my most vulnerable moments. Despite my anxieties from past relationships, deep down I always trusted you. You were dependable and respected me in a way I had never been respected. There was never a moment where I felt taken advantage of. I truly felt safe with you, you were warmth.

I may have not shown it enough, but you deserve to know that I loved you in a way that I had never loved anyone. I loved how comfortable we were with each other, safe to say the goofiest things. I loved how much knowledge you had about subjects I was clueless about. I loved dinner dates with your grandma, and watching you take care of her and your entire family. I loved watching you smile, bury your face in your hands, and shake your head when I said something completely ridiculous. I loved hearing your heart beat in my ear, as my head rested on your chest. I loved holding your hand in the doctor’s office during your TB test. I loved going on weekend getaways with you. I will always cherish our memories.

Most of all, I want to say thank you. You loved me, even when I didn’t deserve it. I was in a deep depression with crippling anxiety, and I was at my worst. You stayed even though I used you as a figurative punching bag. You stayed through anxiety attacks full of hyperventilating and choking on tears. I was drowning and you kept me afloat. Even after we broke up, you consoled me through the heartbreak and suicidal feelings that got triggered. You stayed longer than you wanted, and I am forever grateful.

As much as I wish I could do it all over, as much as I want to show you that the person I am now, could love you differently, I know our differences haven’t changed. I know that our relationship played out the way it did because it was what we needed to become the people we are now. I couldn’t love you better, because I didn’t love me. Even though I can’t redo the past, I can tell you that you will always hold a special place in my heart. I will always remember how you loved me, even when I couldn’t love myself. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Baring my soul on virtual pages, hoping others feel less alone.

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