I never allowed myself to believe in love. I never sat down as a child to watch princesses find their prince or women quite literally falling into the arms of the men who would love them for the rest of their lives. I was too much of a realist to allow myself to fall for the idea that love was magical or that love was that easy.
Love was messy, complicated even, and from the standpoint of someone striving for simplicity, the prospect of finding love never appealed to me.
Love was this idea that women needed men to be happy, and even in this crazy world, I had found happiness without it.
Love scared me because I didn’t want to experience heartbreak. I didn’t want to sob over tubs of ice cream with no appetite for real food or call out of work because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to talk to anyone.
When I met you, all these fears became real. If I expressed to you how I felt and you didn’t feel the same, then I would be consumed by pain. If you did feel the same, I would have something to lose.
I couldn’t win either way, but even feeling the way I felt, I couldn’t get you out of my head. Your laugh replayed like a song that was stuck and the mention of your name made my stomach flutter and I have never felt such fear.
I wanted you so bad, but I didn’t have the courage to allow myself to be hurt like that.
Love wasn’t easy, just like life, but at least I knew how to check out when life became chaotic and I needed to step back.
I wanted to know what it was to wake up next to you, or wash soap off your back in the shower, or make pancakes with you at one in the morning, yet such a big part of me held back.
I realized that love wasn’t about needing someone, it was about wanting someone who would hold your hand and be with you even in the toughest of times, someone to remind you that you are beautiful and important, someone to create a family with, to grow old with.
By this time, it was too late, and I was more heartbroken that I never had my chance to know love with you. I now live with the regret of letting you get away. I can only hope that I’ll feel love again and not be too scared to just fall.