On Realizing I Was The One Making Our Relationship Toxic

Being in love was a blessing just as much as it was a curse. I always thought that being in love and being in a relationship would be amazing and perfect and, yet, here I was questioning my love, my faith and my hope because loving someone was fucking hard.

You always hear about toxic relationships, but you never think you’ll be in one. Oftentimes, it’s hard to recognize because love is blinding and loving someone aids the process of making excuses for people’s behavior. Only people looking from the outside in find it easy to spot, except for me because I was the one who was making my relationship toxic.

This year had proven to be tough for the two of us. A lot of back and forth, a lot of words said that I wish I could take back. The ups and downs started making me question us and if this was right for both you and I. I was feeling scared and vulnerable because every plan I had for the future included you because you were all I had ever known.

The truth about being in a relationship is that it’s never perfect. There are heated arguments and these ruts you get sucked in. I felt like our love was spread thin like our love had no chance against the rough time we were going through and I wasn’t convinced we were going to be okay. I was scared of losing you, yet I wasn’t sure if this was worth fighting for anymore.

The only thing that kept me going was the voice in my head reminding me that I loved you and that everything I had ever invested in us was worth it because you were fresh air when I felt suffocated. You had saved me from myself long ago and I knew that I still loved you. I was just finding it hard to see that.

It took me a while to realize that I was making everything so much worse. I was causing fights and constantly angry because being in this rut made it hard to show you I loved you in the way I had before, in a way that I knew I still did.

I still don’t think after all of this that I’ve made amends for all the trouble I’ve caused, but I am working on thinking less about the negativity and focusing more on just being in love itself, being in the moment and dealing with whatever life throws at us because we are meant to be together.

Being in a toxic relationship hurts more than anything else I’ve ever felt before, and the guilt has been even worse. I love you and I’ll work every day to show you that.