This is a letter to myself that you too can be a horrible person. You too can take my heart and break it. You too can take every ounce of hope that I have and every ounce of light in this world that I see and turn it into sadness.
I hate to think that my view on love has been tainted, but all I see are tear stained pillows and screams lost in the void.
This is not a reminder to never fall in love again, but to be very wary as the person who I thought loved me, broke me into a million pieces and never looked back. Not even when he came to my apartment to grab the last of his things and I cried out his name.
I think the pain I felt then still lives deep in me even after all of these months. I still have clear visions of me crying with my legs curled into my body keeping me safe. I remember the first day I went out after he left. Everyone gave me an apologetic, sweet smile as the puffiness and redness in my eyes gave away the fact that I had been crying for a while. I hated that all of the people I encountered were nice enough to smile as though I didn’t look like hell. I wished he had been that nice. I wished that he cared about me enough to not hurt me.
Now that I find myself possibly jumping into a new relationship, I’m afraid. I’m more scared than I am anxious or nervous or even excited.
I need to remember that you can destroy me more than I’ve already been hit for. You can take what little respect I have left of love, what little hope I have that love won’t always hurt this much. I want you to change that. I want you to make me forget what the last one did, but I also need to remember that you too can also be a horrible person.