Just So You Know, Forgiving Is Not Forgetting

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christian ferrer / Unsplash

Please, believe me when I say you broke me. You broke me in a way that I did not think was not possible and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. What makes this all worse was that I never thought you would do this to me again. I thought you had learned your lesson the last time. I thought that seeing me broken and vulnerable would make you realize you never wanted me to feel this way again, but here we are.

Truth is, I forgive you. I accept your apologies, but I won’t forget. It takes a certain person to break someone in that way and you did it. I know sometimes we do it unintentionally, but I know you knew what you were doing and I know you knew the power it had. The power to completely consume every bit of happiness my heart held. The power to replace the little light in my eyes with darkness.

I love you feverishly and I know that I always will, but I will not forget, this time around, that you have the ability to destroy me and that you, oftentimes, are not strong enough to fight for my happiness the way I wish you could.

I know you regret it, after the fact, but it is no good to me now. I don’t want you to regret, but I want you to learn from it. Learn that I’m not the women you fell in love with when my eyes are hollowed and my heart is broken and when I’m not that jumpy, optimistic, sweet person because of the pit in my stomach. You turned me into the empty shell that I am and I hope you learn that you never want me to feel this way again.

The reason I forgave you is because just as easily as you made my heart feel numb, you gave it life and I can’t imagine letting you go. But know that I do not forget and I hope you don’t either. Make me believe that these tears were worth something. Prove to me that all this trouble was a lesson you needed and that this was all to better our relationship.

Prove to me that this was all for a reason and please turn my little bit of optimism into my reality. I forgave you because I truly believe this time will be different. I pray that I am not wrong because I can’t do this again. TC mark

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