The truth was that I was completely and utterly head over heels for you. I was no home wrecker and I never would have ever done anything to break you and her up. I was just a girl who fell in love with the wrong man.
It was an accident! I never meant for my heart to grow so fond of you, but before I knew it, my heart yearned for you, wept as you held your girlfriend’s hand and it was the most toxic cycle I had ever taken part of.
I loved you like you were mine to have and the craziest part was that in my head, I knew that you could never be mine. You were in love with someone else and who was I to get in the way of that. You were happy and that was more important to me than my own feelings. Even with her in your life, it made me happy to see you so content with things even if they weren’t with me, but it was also one of the most painful things my heart has ever been put through.
It hurt to think that, maybe, if I would’ve met you first, then that could’ve possibly been me calling you baby instead of her. I thought about the “what if’s” way more than I should’ve allowed myself and that took a huge part in the pain I felt. I wanted to not want you and I tried so hard to make it stop, but my heart was so stuck on self-destruction.
I wish my body would’ve expelled the thought of you, but my body accepted you like the sea to the shore and it was overwhelming.
I had never felt so conflicted in my entire life. Your smile pained me, yet soothed me and made my heart grow even fonder of you, but you didn’t want me in the way I wanted you and I know that because, if you had, you would have had me, every ounce of me, 100%.
It took me months to train myself that you were an infection my body needed to repel and avoid, but I finally made it happen. After telling yourself the same lie, day after day after day, your mind starts to believe that it’s true and that’s what I did.
I hope that you’re happy and that you wake up and smile and I hope that one day you will be just another memory I never speak of.