The other day I was having a drink with someone who comes into my work. He’s a “regular” in that we all know and welcome him and for the most part he’s fun to be around. We were talking about relationships. Then he checked his watch and goes, “Oh, shit, it’s 8:30 and my girl is gonna be pissed.”
So I asked, “Oh, were you guys going somewhere?”
“Nah, but she got off work at six.”
“Were you supposed to make dinner for her?”
“No, but I’m supposed to be home when she gets home.”
I left it at that because how people treat each other and what they do is their business. But it got me thinking about how “supposed to’s” effectively dismantle anything good, and are probably responsible for a lot of people left broken-hearted.
“You were supposed to be here an hour ago.”
“You were supposed to call.”
“You’re not supposed to hang out with other guys.”
“You’re not supposed to talk to your ex.”
“You’re not supposed to leave your phone at home when you go out with friends.”
“You weren’t supposed to leave me.”
These things are relative. How about you just do whatever you want? If you want to be friends with someone your other half doesn’t approve of, be friends. If you want to spend your time alone reading or doing yoga or watching b-list horror movies instead of going out, be alone. Just make sure it’s for the right reasons. When you take a spur of the moment trip to the Grand Canyon in the middle of the night with your friends without worrying about what your girlfriend/boyfriend/coworkers/friends/parents think, that’s how you know you love yourself. And only when you love yourself will you find someone that loves you. Not someone who is “supposed to” love you. If you’re doing everything you want to do and you don’t feel like you have to explain yourself and someone falls in love with you without trying to change you, that’s your ride or die.
A long time ago I read something that said our hearts seek out those who need it most. I believed it for a long and used it as an explanation for why I was always falling for broken people with addictions or self-neglect or egocentric attitudes. When these relationships inevitably failed I blamed myself; I hadn’t loved them enough. It always boiled down to the love they needed vs. the love I needed. So I took a long hard look in the mirror and realized that what I projected was what I attracted.
I believe 100% that what you put out comes back. Maybe not always in the form of what we imagine, but it still comes back. What we experience is a reflection of ourselves because we are the ones who filter down the all the information presented to give us what we believe. It’s reading between the lines that can really teach us something. For every person we’ve loved too little, there’s someone who loved us too much.
If you generally plague yourself with doubt and worrisome uncertainty, don’t expect some great, happy person to fall in love with you. Great, happy people don’t fall in love with self-depreciating whiners. And you passing time with rebounds or comfortable relationships because it’s easier to stay complacent than take a leap of faith, you’re not getting any closer to what you really want. You’re adding to the problem and swimming against what would actually fulfill you. I want to float and let whatever takes me, take me.
It’s why I’ll still put my heart on the line instead of letting my liver or my lungs take the hit. I’m not trying to forget. I want to see where the flames are and walk toward them.
It’s why I’ll fight for someone until he tells me not to fight anymore.
It’s why I’ll stand by these words and let those who walk away, walk.
It’s why I kiss so intensely, fuck so dirty and love so hard. The same as how I sin — quick and without remorse. Because I would rather die knowing I lived wild eyed and excited.
It’s why I’m not broken yet, why this heart keeps churning out blood to stand up, live my truth and share it. Despite criticism, despite struggle, despite pain, despite supposed to’s.
People who are happy respect themselves. It’s not about the body they have or where they went to college or the car they drive or how much money they make. It’s just a decision to have a positive attitude, deciding to own up to the times they haven’t tried their best and taking credit for when they have. Soul mates are just people who have their shit figured out and happened to find each other.
So stay weird. Keep doing what makes you happy. If what makes you happy makes someone else miserable and they’re laying a guilt trip on you, tell them like it is because that’s something THEY’VE got to work on, not you. Stay honest. Deceiving is an unfortunate thing to be, driven by guilt and fear. Man the fuck up. Love yourself without feeling like you owe it to somebody first. The rest will follow. Ultimately, no one is supposed to love you. The best ones are those who know this, and still do.