An Open Letter To The Boy I Pushed Away

“It’s not you it’s me”

No, really. You were perfect. You were quirky in an adorable way. You looked at life the way I only pretended to — full of life and without regret. There was a sweetness to your innocence, yet something I could resonate with. You were so eager to show me your world; your favorite bands, your record collection, but most importantly your photographs. What I loved most was your knack for finding the beauty in the simplest of things.

I will always remember that night you took me into the city. It’s imprinted in my memories because of its simplicity and perfection. We drove past the endless skyline and in that moment, I was reminded how alive we were. You showed me a parts of the city I had never seen before that made me feel so alive. While I stared out the wind in awe of the world, I could feel your eyes on me and when I looked back you had a giant smile on your face and it filled my heart. We sat and soaked up every moment of the night. I hid in embarrassment as you made started dancing like no one was watching at the bar and I remember wanting to be that carefree.

Later that night, I caught you staring at me again. It was like the spotlight has been shown on me and I immediately began to blush. You turned to me and confided that you were still amazed we ended up together. I was a little surprised too, how our paths had crossed again after two years with no contact. Call it a happy coincident or call it fate. It was a new feeling and I couldn’t tell if I liked it.

Looking at back at it all, the thing I hate the most is knowing you put your whole heart into making it work, while I always had one foot out the door.

I know I can’t say it to you now but I want to say I’m sorry. You were perfect in your own unique way. You gave me hope for the male species that I’ve so easily found full of flaws. But maybe that’s why I panicked. It was fear, fear of falling in love. I simply chose to do what was easiest because that is what I’ve always done, closed off myself from feeling vulnerable. Call it a human flaw but it’s something I’ve always hated.

Months have gone by and now we live separate lives, even though I still want to have you in my life, friendship was never something you felt. Believe me when I say I wanted to feel more. Maybe that was the issue all along. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for in the first place and you just so happened to be the guy that would help me realize what I wanted out of a relationship.

So with that, I want to say thank you. You taught me that I needed to find myself before I could ever love someone the way they deserve to be loved.

I have a deep sense of gratitude for the time we spent together. You gave me hope for what I thought I would never find. You may not ever know and I may not show it on the surface but I will be forever grateful.

P.S. You deserve a girl who will cherish those moments while they’re happening, not six months too late.