There are more ‘sex tips’ published each week than there are people having sex this minute. With all of these articles about ‘spicing up’ your sex life, intimacy can be a pretty overwhelming thing. Who has the time? If you’re like me, you want your sex life to be the simplest and most dependable part of your life. What’s wrong with missionary with the lights off? Absolutely nothing!
If your partner keeps pushing you to spice things up, try these easy tips to cool it all down. I have literally decades of experience with bad sex, and through trial and error have been able to figure out how to get exactly what I want when sex is not even close to what I’m looking for.
1. Buy “kinky things” without knowing what you’re into.
Is your weekly mating routine too energetic? Are you going to work tired and drained due to evening acrobatics? Try buying some sex toys or props for you and your partner. You don’t need to use mojoupgrade.com or anything like that to see what they’re into; just pick a couple of best selling toys from the stockroom. The forced and awkward insertion of these esoteric erotic objects into your sex life, with absolutely zero forewarning for your partner, is guaranteed to make them back off and let you get some sleep.
Don’t know what to buy? Why don’t you start out with a 15 foot bullwhip, the largest object you can afford from Bad Dragon, and a dog mask! If you’d like to splurge, add a full set of medical restraints, some hooks (for various orifices), some insulin needles, and a vacuum pump. And don’t worry about your partner having hard limits or an aversion to blood; the best way to find that out is mid-scene.
2. Roleplay…with a script.
People can be into some surprisingly specific things, and bedroom roleplay is actually quite common. If you or your partner have any hidden desires, try exploring them! If you want to cool things down, pepper your partner with a series of aggressive and semi-accusatory questions, and use their answers to make up a scenario. Make sure to script every action and line of dialog down to the last detail; print-outs will come in handy.
When the fateful night occurs, try to give your partner at least a 10 minute warning; once they read it through a few times, they’ll be more than willing to drop the idea and never mention it again!
3. Do something crazy…without a safeword.
Now, if your partner is the adventurous (or patient) sort, they may still be up for some calorie-burning two-person cardio. You’ve tried throwing them off with crazy toys, you’ve tried to out-awkward their most embarrassing fantasies; what else can be done? Is a frank and open conversation about your sexual compatibility your only remaining option? Nope!
Your best bet is to just go for it. You don’t need a safeword; you can always tell whether or not no really means no. Besides, we all know that everyone secretly wants to be done in the most mechanical and perfunctory way possible with minimal foreplay and absolutely zero aftercare. In the end, it’s your partner’s responsibility to set and call the limits. Not yours.
4. Talk dirty…especially when it’s awkward
Do you know what really turns me off (other than journalists thinking that ‘contains carcinogens’ means ‘is literally cancer’)? People talking dirty when they don’t feel comfortable with it. There’s nothing like someone robotically uttering, “You like that, you like that?” while they halfheartedly kneel at my feet to pull me so far out of my headspace that I take their collar back and donate it to an animal shelter.
If you’re still not able to sit down and have an honest conversation about how certain words, phrases, or titles impact your sexual state, try channeling Brent Spiner the next time things get kinky. Your partner is guaranteed to laugh (or cry) hard enough that nothing will salvage the mood.
4. Barter for it.
If you’ve made it this far down the list and you still haven’t found a way to turn the two-humped camel into a 30-second sprint, try this one. Only let your partner have ‘their kind’ of sex when they fulfill an arbitrarily-conceived list of household obligations that specifically serve your interests. Once they realize that you’ve started correlating their dish-washing and dog-walking with what you’ll let them do in the bedroom, things will cool down fast.
5. Whine about it.
And, finally, when nothing else works and you’re so committed to the idea that your way is the right way that you no longer know what the word ‘conversation’ means, you can always whine.
If your partner has, in some freakishly patient way, misinterpreted all of the above tips as you trying (and failing) to engage with their sexuality in an open and accepting way, you can always fall back on guilt as your go-to tool in getting what you want. After all, there’s nothing wrong about gaslighting and manipulating your partner into doing what you want; that could never impact their confidence or self expression!
Just make sure to pair your complaints with some kind of un-supported ultimatum that you’ll never follow through on. Try telling them they should do it because they ‘love you’ and it ‘means a lot’ to see them engage in your brand of sex. You can even tell them that the only reason they don’t want to do is because they were raised in too accepting of a household; once you help them realize that their sexuality is their parents’ fault, they’re bound to see the light!