The Single Secret to Successful Cohabitation That All Couples Need To Know About

joonweh
joonweh

At first, my boyfriend and I started with separate bedrooms. I demanded that if I was going to pay half rent that I got to keep my bed in a second room for guest room purposes and well, personal space purposes. That was shortly lived when we decided to turn it into a GIANT walk in closet/personal yoga and art studio for myself (we’ve still got a couch in the living room that’s just grand for sleeping when one of us is sick/pissed off/whatever).

But the one thing that has enabled this cohabitual relationship to flourish and it is this:

Separate. Bathrooms.

Reasons are as follows:

1. Some form of mystery IS IMPORTANT ok? I don’t want to hear you poop when I’m showering. Go to the other bathroom. You may think this kind of thing brings you closer in some twisted way but I promise you that’s just your brain trying to put a positive spin on things

2. Nail clipping – keep that to yourself. Not like I’m grossed out about it but come on, isn’t it nice to do that IN YOUR OWN SPACE? Also, most men DETEST the smell of nail polish/nail polish remover.

3. Females – we all have our own things we do for personal maintenance – bleaching upper lip or arm hair, plucking here and there, contorting ourselves into weird positions to look at some strange bump on our ass cheek wondering WHAT THE HELL it is. Do you want your SO walking in on this? Sure ok you’re in this super comfortable relationship where nothing that one does can gross the other out but THIS IS HOW ROMANCE IS KEPT ALIVE PEOPLE. MYSTERY. Males – maybe you do, maybe you don’t, I can’t say because I am a female, and my man has his own bathroom that he does that in, so I am very happy to be able to say I have NO IDEA.

4. I shed, he sheds, you shed, we all shed. I swear I could make a wig out of all the hair that falls out of my head once a month. He clogs his sink from shaving his beard. Guess what? Neither of us can b*tch about it because we both have our own space where we do our own sh*t so it’s our own fault.

5. Blooooooooood. My man doesn’t care about periods – he’ll have sex, do whatever on them. That being said, I doubt he wants an overflowing trash can of tampon wrappers once a month. A separate bathroom ensures this won’t happen.

6. Bath time. Personal bath time is so effing important sometimes. But what if he has to pee? OH WOW THANK GOODNESS WE HAVE ANOTHER BATHROOM FOR THAT. Sorry, but when I’m in that bath I don’t wanna hear a DAMN FOOTSTEP to wake me from my blissed out bath state.

7. Never have to wait. Ever. Have to pee at the same time? Good thing there are 2 toilets. Both running late and have to shower? Good thing you don’t have to wait for one to finish. After sex clean up? You can both get clean and hop back into post coital cuddle bliss AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

8. Products, products, products. I have about 50 different lotions, shampoos, whatever. He’s got about half as much, but it’s still a decent amount. There is NOT enough room on one bathroom counter for both of our belongings.

9. Closed door policy. This is MY door, MY space, MY time. I love you, and I love the space we share together but I also love ME. A closed bathroom door means “leave me alone” and we both respect that. You’re free to do whatever the hell you want in there with the promise that I will never, ever walk in on you. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Call me crazy, selfish, whatever… I promise you, separate bathrooms are the key.

“But I can’t afford that”

You can’t afford that? Okay then maybe you aren’t ready to take the HUGE step in your life that is LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE and POTENTIALLY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DOING SO.

Do I sound harsh? I’m not sorry. You need to make sure that not only your relationship, but your FINANCES are in order before moving in.

Yes separate bathrooms are key, but so is standard financial responsibility. Split the rent. Down the middle. As far as living goes, you are roommates. Roommates that have sex and love each other and blah blah blah, we get that, but in the financial sense you are ROOMMATES and things are split FAIRLY. Would you move in with a platonic friend and not split things 50/50? Of course not. So why is this any different? IT’S NOT! Would you want to share a bathroom with a friend? Some wouldn’t mind, but they would definitely choose not to if given the option.

Don’t expect moving in together to fix a relationship that’s on its last limbs – that’s the same logic behind people that have a baby thinking it will fix a marriage. No, no, no, NO. Do expect to split things equally, discuss chores and things regularly, and DO KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE. With separate bathrooms.TC mark

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