I’ve always took pride in the observation that I am not a jealous person. I’ve been in two long-term, successful relationships with men who had female friends, and I’ve never felt weird about it. My friends, on the other hand, would comment on the fact that they couldn’t handle dating a man with a slew of friends of the opposite sex. But I was dating nice guys whom I trusted fully, and it’s only now that I’m realizing how lucky I’d been.
I’ve been single for a few months now (the first time in six years!) and this past weekend, I learned something about myself. My jealousy game is strong. I’ve been working with this guy who I was convinced I had a unique connection with. He shared my sense of humor, we’re both relatively attractive people, we shoot the shit like old friends and he makes me sexually frustrated. I’ve been successful in getting men in the past, so I figured he was easy bait. We were at a party on Friday night, and as we downed more whiskey, I felt things getting more heavy. I also had developed quite a bit of a crush on him, so for me it was more than just wanting to sleep together. He’s on the quiet, reserved, side, but I have a strong intuition for body language and I knew he would sleep with me if I made the first move. But it was that time of the month, so I figured I’d try again next time. As I was heading out of the party, I noticed another one of my coworkers drunkenly coming onto him. “You are soooo attractive!” She yelled in his face. Psh, how annoying. He’s probably so annoyed with her, I thought.
Well, what do you know: the following morning that female coworker told me she had slept with him. That asshole! I know he’s probably just a horny guy and it meant nothing but I couldn’t help but feel played. I tried to keep my cool, but I realized I didn’t really care what he thought of me, so I sent him quite a few text messages expressing my frustration and jealousy that he had gone home with her after making it seem so obvious that he wanted to go home with me. He responded, coldly: “I’m flattered that you seem to have a bit of a crush on me, but we are not in a relationship, and I don’t feel comfortable having you comment on what I can/can’t do with other people.” He’s totally right. If I had just kept my mouth shut I wouldn’t have earned this new reputation of being a crazy girl. But at least I know I was being completely out of line and ridiculous. Real crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, right? I selfishly and impulsively just wanted him to know that I knew what he did, and I figured if I didn’t say something I’d just be passive aggressive to him at work, which would make things more stressful for me.
I recognize that I need to work on my urge to project my emotions onto other people. Jealousy is an ugly trait, and I now look very ugly. But at least I’m honest. I guess because my former relationships had been with good guys I could trust, I’ve been a tad overconfident with the way I think men should treat me. This was a wake up call, and I’m humbled by it.