Midseason NFL Power Rankings (In Haiku Form)
Like many other sports writers, I have ranked all 32 teams in the NFL at the midpoint of the season. Unlike any of them, I have written a haiku to sum up each team’s season. I think it’s the most effective way.
Let’s get started.
32. Oakland Raiders
No playoffs forever
This year is no different
Will they win one game?
31. New York Jets
When Michael Vick is
Your team’s best shot at winning
You must really suck
30. Jacksonville Jaguars
Congrats Jaguars fans!
You actually won a game!
Who saw that coming?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Remind me again
How in the hell Tampa Bay
Won that game in Pitt?
28. Tennessee Titans
When your quarterback
Loves taking selfies, he is
Not the right answer
27. Atlanta Falcons
Do you remember
When the Falcons were scary?
Matt Ryan does not.
26. Minnesota Vikings
At least the Vikings
Can beat other teams that are
Really terrible.
25. St. Louis Rams
They beat the Seahawks
So maybe the Rams have one
happy memory.
24. Chicago Bears
Is there any team
That should be trusted less than
The Chicago Bears?
23. Washington Redskins
Who knew that the ‘Skins
Best quarterback was a guy
The BROWNS didn’t want.
22. Cleveland Browns
Who cares what you’ve done?
When you lose to Jacksonville
You can’t be that good.
21. New York Giants
Does anyone know
Whether this football team is
Good or terrible?
20. Carolina Panthers
The Panthers also
Could be good or really bad.
Only time will tell.
19. Houston Texans
Is there any man
On this planet who could stop
J.J. Freaking Watt?
18. Miami Dolphins
Ryan Tannehill
Has not convinced me that he
Is slightly decent.
17 – New Orleans Saints
The Saints will be fine
Because nobody wants to
Win this division.
16. Buffalo Bills
Sammy Watkins might
Give Bills fans some shred of hope
For one time ever.
15 – Baltimore Ravens
With Ray Rice shipped out
Justin Forsett has become
Shockingly decent.
14. Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs are good, but
They must hope for a Wild Card
To make the Playoffs.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers
Ben Roethlisberger
Is simply not going to
Replicate that game.
12. Cincinnati Bengals
They’ve looked really good
They’ve looked incredibly bad
Who are the Bengals?
11. San Francisco 49ers
Do you remember
When San Francisco had a
Defense worth fearing?
10. Seattle Seahawks
Is anyone scared
Of the Seahawks at this point?
Too much dysfunction.
9. San Diego Chargers
The Chargers have lots
Of injuries that might be
Catching up to them.
8. Green Bay Packers
That loss to the Saints
Was rough, but Aaron Rodgers
Will fix everything.
7. Indianapolis Colts
So much for the Colts
Defense being really good
But Luck is still Luck.
6. Detroit Lions
This is probably
Far too high for a team that
just played like they did.
5 – New England Patriots
Does beating Cincy
And a godawful Bears team
Count as good these days?
4. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles have lost
Two games by a total of
Just nine points combined.
3. Dallas Cowboys
If Romo is fine
The Cowboys are still likely
To keep impressing.
2. Arizona Cardinals
Nobody saw the
Cardinals being this good
But they keep winning.
1. Denver Broncos
Peyton Manning. Pey-
-Ton Manning. Peyton Manning.
Peyton Manning. Yeah.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=750s0SdMxnw&w=560&h=315]