There’s a lot of bad music out there. Granted, people have different tastes and one man’s trash may be another’s treasure. But some songs are such complete and utter shit, such poorly-written nonsense, that most of humanity has come to accept their utter suckitude. I give you ten of the worst songs to ever (dis)grace the airwaves.
10. “Friday” by Rebecca Black
Awww, poor Becca. She was only a 13-year old, naive girl when the High Priest of Shit Music, producer Patrice Wilson (who will make another appearance on this list for producing an even worse disaster) convinced her that he could make her into a famous musical artist. Well, I guess he was half right, because Becca Black did indeed get famous….but very few people consider her a real musician. Friday is offensive enough due to the whiny-voiced 13-year old’s singing, but what makes it even worse is the disaster of a music video. While “Friday” is unspeakably terrible, Rebecca Black got the last laugh – she’s made a fortune out of her own ineptitude.
Worst Lyric: Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday/Today it is Friday, Friday/We we we so excited/We so excited/We gonna have a ball today/Tomorrow is Saturday/And Sunday comes afterwards/I don’t want this weekend to end.
9. “Photograph” by Nickelback
It’s pretty well-established by now that Nickelback might be the worst band in the history of music. While their entire catalog is worse than listening to FloJo scratch her nails on a rusty chalkboard, “Photograph” stands out as particularly abysmal.
Chad Kroeger’s heinous tendency to NEVER deviate from the door/floor rhyme scheme means that Nickelback songs contain some of the worst lyrics ever written. “Photograph” is the perfect example of Kroeger’s preschool-level songwriting.
Worst Lyric: How did our eyes get so red?/And what the hell is on Joey’s head?
8. “Play” by David Banner
This song is hilarious. The problem is, I don’t think Mr. Banner intended for it to be hilarious. Maybe the joke’s on me here, but I don’t think most women want to sleep with a dude whose most famous song is based around the chorus “Cum girl, I’m tryna get yo’ pussy wet.” David Banner comes off as a Neanderthal at best, and a rapist at worst, and that feeling is only heightened by the creepy-ass music video. I mean, at least the beat is cool?
Worst Lyric: You get it wet enough, I might lick it up/Licky, licky, licky, like a peppermint swirl/Lick that clit/Cum girl.
7. “#SELFIE” by The Chainsmokers
The most recent song on this list, “#SELFIE” is well-deserving of its place amongst the worst songs of all time. With no lyrics other than a girl talking and a generic dubstep beat, it’s a goddamn shame that these talentless hacks got famous. The finger is pointed at you, America. I won’t even get into the story of when we tried to do an interview with these overgrown frat bros. Let’s just say they mentioned that the song was “thrown together in five minutes” and that they were more focused on hitting on our reporter than answering questions. Fuck you and your terrible music, Chainsmokers.
Worst Lyric: The entire freaking song.
6. “Hot Dog” by Limp Bizkit
Introducing: A song that says “fuck” a lot, simply for the purpose of saying “fuck” a lot. Fred Durst, u r 2 edgy 4 me, bro.
Worst Lyric: If I say fuck two more times/That’s 46 fucks in this fucked-up rhyme.
5. “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting-Tings
Am I the only one who feels like blowing my brains out every single time I hear this atrocity? We fucking get it, your name isn’t Stacy, or Jane, or her, or whatever else. I’d mostly just call you “Annoying,” though.
Worst Lyric: That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/That’s not my name/ (Repeat times infinity).
4. “My Humps” by The Black Eyed Peas
The Black Eyed Peas started with a little bit of promise, I suppose. Songs like “Where is the Love?” were perfectly fine and decently well-written. But then, one day, the group decided to make annoying-as-balls dance music. “My Humps” was the worst of the worst, not just because it’s horrendous, but especially because it gave rise to the solo career of Fergie…and I think we all agree the world would be a better place if that had never happened.
Worst Lyric: I mix your milk wit my Cocoa Puff/Milky, milky cocoa/Mix your milk with my Cocoa Puff/Milky, milky riiiiiiight.
3. “Fuck It” by Eamon
I must confess, this is an all-time favorite bar karaoke song of mine…but that’s mostly because it’s so fantastically awful. Eamon was one pissed off dude when he wrote this track, which consists of 4 minutes of telling a cheating ex-girlfriend to, well, fuck herself. There’s a way to be tactful about a breakup, and this isn’t it. Cheer up, Eamon. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Worst Lyric: You thought, you could/Keep this shit from me, yeah/You burnt bitch, I heard the story/You played me, you even gave him head.
2. “Rockstar” by Nickelback
Woohoo! More from our friends Nickelback. And while “Photograph” is indeed absolutely terrible, “Rockstar” is the absolute pinnacle of Nickelback’s suckitude. I mean seriously, who the hell writes “I’ll have the quesadilla” as a song lyric and thinks “damn, that’s good – let’s keep that part?” Chad Kroeger, you are the King of Terrible Songwriting. Long may you reign.
Worst Lyric: That quesadilla bit. Yikes.
1. “Chinese Food” by Alison Gold
It’s been called distasteful. It’s been called racist. It’s certainly been called terrible. And I’m definitely not the first person to call “Chinese Food” the worst song of all time. Patrice Wilson (the producer of “Friday,” who I mentioned above) did it again, creating a fantastically awful viral sensation of a song. But while “Friday” was just amusingly awful, “Chinese Food” has the distinction of being offensively awful. The music video, replete with pandas and geishas, does little to take away from the blatantly stereotypical and questionably racist lyrics. And while Becca Black has somehow parlayed her heinous debut into a slightly-less-heinous “music” career, it seems that Miss Gold isn’t destined for stardom. At least she has her Chow M-M-M-Mein to keep her company.
Worst Lyric: After balling I go clubbing/Then I’m hugging/Then I’m hungry/And I’m walking on the street/And I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy.