Before calling me a gross major train-wreck with daddy issues who is very close of being a huge slut, I tell you, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Most importantly, he said he was single, and I didn’t even ask.
And apart from being really disgusted after knowing I was “the other woman”, I would definitely blame the universe of making this happen.
It was Saturday night. The sky was clear. We were sitting on the beach until almost midnight. I told him about my perfectly normal idea.
“You know what, I always wish I could just lie down on the beach watching the stars without talking about anything. Completely silent,” I said.
“Sure we can do that.”
“No, you don’t have any idea how hard it is. I’ve tried it many times. It never happened cause someone would always completely destroy the plan. I once came here with a group of friends. And I came up with this idea. Everyone agreed. But it was just 2 minutes before a friend suddenly broke the solitude by annoyingly asking loudly ‘anyone has cigar?’.”
“Haha. Try me.”
So we tried. We laid on the beach sand after finishing our beers. Watching the dark sky. We were at the most quiet area of Legian beach. There was just the sound of the small waves. And a band was playing Still Got The Blues in a cafe behind us. It was the longest solitude I could get so far. Until it got so awkward and..
“I have to kiss you now.”
Took me few seconds to decide how I was supposed to give a delicate response.
Should I ask why? Is this just because the atmosphere universe has given us is too much, or because he actually likes me? I mean, come on. Sunset, clear sky, stars, Still Got The Blues, some booze.. who can resist that?
But his answer would be one hell of pressure and it might leave me unkissed forever by his pretty mouth the taste I’d always wondered. Okay I kind of had a crush on him. But it was his last night in Bali. I didn’t expect we would have an awkward pointless kiss. But I couldn’t refuse of course. Or even asking why. I mean, in that kind of situation, you can’t ask “why” without sounding sarcastic. I am sarcastic. But one little ‘why’ might make him think I was not interested in an idea of our first and last kiss.
So I didn’t ask why.
He then got up, placed his left arm on my right side. His hand was perfectly placed on my hip. Then he moved his hand slowly and gently to touch my face. And stared at me. More like looked into my soul.
“I like you.”
I might have a crush on you too and damn hell yeah I surely do want you to kiss me. But not like this, man, come on! Not with those million stars watching us. Not after we talked in a very long time about life, love and passion while watching the sun goes down. Not this perfect. Not this flawless.
I don’t wanna be in love with you.
Why don’t we just do it in my place after you get me drunk?
And it was the most intense build-up. A long, deep, chill drum-rolly build-up. Everything you ever wanted for a first-kiss prolog from a person you have a crush on. He could have smelled like Radler beer. Or cigar. Or a mint bubblegum. But no. He smelled like a cellar door in an English poetry. Intriguing, yet ineffable.
This can’t be happening. Make a flaw. Make it less romantic. Do something silly before the gravity too much. Destroy the tension.
So right before our lips met, I awkwardly whispered, “My hair is fake”.
What the hell? What the fuck did I just say?
“My hair. It is fake.”
I’m wearing hair extensions.
“Should I be weirded out or it’s just you trying to mess with my mind?”
“Well yea you should because… I can be a dude.”
“No you’re not.”
“Fuck forget it. Still wanna kiss me?”
“Oh lady you are good. Sure I still wanna kiss you. Now..”
It happened. We kissed.
And it could have been a beautiful evanescent memory we had before he left Bali. Until he emailed me about the fact that actually he had a girlfriend and that it left him with a guilty feeling.
“I wasn’t entirely honest with you about my life. If we had time to chat right now, I could clear some things up for you, so you wouldn’t think I was a total asshole for not being truthful with you. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings at all, that was never my intention, and I apologize for not being sincere with you about everything. Please, I hope you don’t think any less of me. The truth is, my situation is very complicated right now. ”
The truth is, Murphy’s law exists. I knew kissing a boy I liked before he left me forever could go wrong.
And yes. It went wrong.
We never discussed about this further because I was too angry and upset and felt really sorry for the poor girl.