I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore. I don’t want to put in the hours of self-work. I don’t want to see people as humans who are healing from their wounds.
I don’t want to accept your apologies. I don’t want to understand that people’s behaviors are a result of their childhood trauma. I don’t want to be compassionate and full of empathy.
I don’t feel like living as Jesus did. I don’t want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to endure and keep the faith.
I don’t want to stay strong. I want to be the toxic one knowing that somebody will put up with my bullshit. I want to be the one that doesn’t show up. I want to be the one who does a half-assed job. I only want to think about myself. I want to feel a little less.
I don’t want to be responsible. I want to be the person that nobody asks for anything because they’re unreliable. I just don’t want to show up.
I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore.
The truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from work. I’m exhausted from love and its knock-offs. I’m exhausted from people. I’m exhausted from trying to figure myself out. I’m exhausted from making sure I get enough self-care. I’m exhausted from trying to love myself enough. All of the self-work is just… exhausting.
How do so many people not care? How can so many people turn a blind eye? How can so many people feel pain, yet refuse to change their actions so that others don’t have to go through what they did?
Sometimes I want to give up. Turn cold. Close my heart, but I’ll only perpetuate the cycle. I’ve declared many times, “I don’t care. I’m done.” It’s not entirely true. It’s how I feel. Not caring causes me the same amount of pain as caring, so either way, I’m screwed. The truth is, I’m a little scared of shutting down my heart. What if I never get my empathy back? What if I disconnect entirely from others? What if I can no longer find God?
I’m told we shouldn’t live in fear. We should live from a place of love, and I believe that. It’s just become more complex, you know?
So here I am. Still trying to sort myself out. Still trying to be the bigger person, though I don’t want to. Because I have too much to be thankful for to give up now.