Some of us are sticklers for what is near and dear to our hearts; mine is honoring your word. If anyone tells me they will call me at a certain time, I need them it to do it at that time or tell me if it isn’t a possibility so I can adjust my expectations. And when someone I’ve just started dating is the offender, I never know what to do. Should I speak up or should I fall back and see what happens as time goes on? Knowing myself, waiting is not even an option, because I’ll inadvertently hold a grudge unbeknownst to my possible bae. How can I convey my conditions without seeming like a total psycho? What if there are things he has to convey but he feels just as intimidated or as self-conscious as I do about it?
I do not back down, so I speak up more often than not, but what I have failed to take into consideration is the fact that the healthiest partnerships we take the time to talk about their conditions openly at the beginning. Dating is so much about figuring out a happy medium between being your most authentic self AND accepting another human as their most authentic self. The concept of this is simple, yet painstakingly terrifying. The idea of putting my most vulnerable needs and conditions out there makes me examine this person with great scrutiny — is he worth it? The humbling part about all of this is that he probably wonders the same thing about me. I can believe I am understanding, compassionate and caring, but if he doesn’t feel safe, there is no way he will open up to me, and we will ghost each other after a few dates.
You like me, and I like you, so now what? Instead of moving straight into a relationship, we should create a foundation where we can be honest, vulnerable and safe. All of this is a risk, because human beings have their conditions, but the right person will accept you as you are. Creating relationship conditions for safety and the opportunity to hear each other out is an empowering feeling. Giving each other the opportunity to ask questions for understanding instead of judgment creates a healthy way to communicate. Another layer is feeling safe enough to speak about why certain things matter to you and how your experiences have shaped your patterns. A healthy relationship will allow you to learn how to move out of survival mode and into a space where love grows, flourishes and thrives. We are all wounded, yet still worthy of being loved bountifully.
Take every opportunity to dive into your story about how you have arrived at your conditions. Figure out if those conditions are sparking your joy or hindering your development as a person, and ultimately as a partner. You can have the love you want when you figure out how to honor yourself. Your triggers are not who you are, but nevertheless, those are the things you are working through. Accept your wellness, brokenness, and conditions you need to make you feel safe. When you are ready, share your truth unapologetically. Once you accept this path, you will become more likely to share in the beginning and won’t sell yourself short by being passive aggressive about the things that bother you. Perhaps your commitment to your truth will inspire your potential partner to be forthcoming and honest as well.
We are all spiritual beings looking to love and be loved, to listen and to be heard, honored, respected, and treated with compassion. Hold out for the one who is willing to read ALL the pages of your story. It is easy to be loved when you are being positive, but far more challenging when our triggers arise and our conditions aren’t being met. The right person will work through it with you and make the space to reach an understanding that works for both parties. The right person will hold the space to create conditions for both of you and work on elevating yourself to your best self.