I Apologize For Hurting You, But I Am Not Responsible For Your Healing

I do my best to apologize authentically without excuses, an acknowledgment of what I did wrong and the impact of the harm caused. Observation of my actions is crucial, and I often ask how I can do better next time. I care to improve and grow as a human being. Compassion and empathy run through my veins, therefore someone’s hurt caused by me will always prompt an internal check and a heartfelt conversation. Once I’ve checked in, apologized and a conversation is had with honesty and integrity, the making of amends part for me is finished.

You, nor I, are responsible for anyone’s healing process or lack thereof. Being present and apologizing is the honorable and the correct thing to do. There’s nothing to be done once that initial apology is given. There is room for follow-up conversations, which can provide clarity, forward movement, and further healing; nevertheless, no one is responsible for someone else’s healing process. Childhood trauma, teenage drama, and life before you play a role in how someone processes hurt and moves through their healing process. There’s nothing that anyone can do to heal someone’s abandonment issues. Listening to someone’s story is one thing; however, taking them through the trials and tribulations associated with healing must come from their willingness to heal.

Our capacity for self-imposed suffering is vast when being a victim serves our narrative of being broken and unlovable. When we make an agreement with our lowest self about our inadequacy, we live that existence in every aspect of our lives. Hurt, abandonment, and drama show up as supporting characters in our stories because we give them the spotlight to shine. We hold on to hurt feelings for dear life, envelop ourselves in them like a safety blanket, and wear them on our bodies as a badge of honor. Our brokenness becomes our identity, and while a heartfelt and true apology is needed, our addiction to our pain allows us to stay comfortable in our old view of our worth.

At times we unfairly hold our loved ones’ emotions hostage for things that have nothing to do with them. The only way to truly heal is to be honest about our roles in our own suffering. There is no solace coming from an apology that can eradicate negative thoughts about ourselves. We have no control over how someone treats us, but we can control our reaction to the treatment. Our personal power comes from a willingness to be accountable for our feelings. There’s not a person on this planet who can take your power if you don’t allow them to have it.

Elevate past the self-destruction and destabilizing ways you’ve imposed upon yourself. It’s time for a new beginning, starting with an apology to yourself. Forgiving yourself is the access to truly forgive others. We can’t expect to hold a grudge, yet want the other person to feel that pain. The grudge impacts us only and the other person may not know, and worse, they may not care. The most satisfying apology will come from within, and once you’ve grown accustomed to honoring yourself, an apology from another would feel great, but it may not even be necessary.

You are the author of your narrative—how will you choose to portray yourself? The power and responsibility are yours. TC mark

About the author
Wild Woman. Carefree Black Girl. Joyfully Audacious. Follow Arihat on Instagram or read more articles from Arihat on Thought Catalog.

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