You have morphed into an individual that is so controlled and composed. You are guarded, and it’s become impossible to know what you’re feeling or vibing. Your behavior has caused a woman like me to feel the challenge. I long to crack the exterior of your stoicism, if only for a minute, to get inside and reach you. The ironic thing about this whole “relationship” (if that’s what we are calling it) is that you pursued me. You sought me out and I kept my guard up until you proved consistent and worthy of my time. Now, after hooking up a few times, you’ve backed off to a safe distance. Where I can no longer even fathom reaching you, now, I can only ruminate about the promise and potential it once held.
The part that saddens me about all of this is that I rarely have a difficult time being let in.
I have an ability to draw in men with my attractiveness, and then stun them with my personality. It’s only a matter of time before they open up and share with me the painful story that they hide from the world. The same deeply sad or traumatic story that shaped their life and influences all their decisions. Know that I do not take this gift of mine for granted, it is a genuine desire that I developed over time and due to circumstance. With you, there is no promise of sharing any of that, yet you keep me around. Although I continue to stay and convince myself I am learning an important karmic lesson, I cannot figure out what keeps you.
When I look at your pictures on social media and chat with mutual friends about you, I am overcome by a sense of loss. I feel I am missing out on such a good thing, and during these times I can’t help but to feel angry toward you. Why can’t you let me in if even for this moment in time? Why must you withhold yourself from me? You seemed so ready to let me in. I thought I had you. As this surface relationship continues, I have come to realize an undeniable painful truth; which is that you will never let me in. It was never your intention to take the time to get to know me, to introduce me to your family, or to spend random nights together.
As our relationship continues to stand still, I know that I will never be your girlfriend. You will never think about the possibility of making me your wife, or the mother of your children. The part that I am most sorry about is that you will make a great husband and a wonderful father. I know this because I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. I can also see it by the great care you take of your friends, and even the subtle way you watch out for others around you. I know that like your parents, you and your future wife will have a loving relationship and create an equally nurturing environment for your children. Something I wish to create with my future partner, something that I wished to create with you.