1. People will try to tell you that the freshman 15 is real, but I’m going to tell you that the freshman 15 is only real if you like pizza.
You see, alcohol consumption becomes a part of our weekend routines. Late night pizza on the other hand is what’s going to haunt you. If you find yourself in a pickle, ask yourself this — are the extra calories on a pizza a necessity for a fun night out? If the answer is no, stray away from those who think otherwise. Those people are dangerous, and they will try and convince you that it’s “just a slice.” But lets be real; its college, we don’t stop at “just a slice” in anything we do.
2. Frat Houses may not be any Jay Gatsby Mansion, but they do suffice.
Although far from lavish, frat houses hold open-house affairs, and provide liquor and banging dance music. There are no butlers walking around with fancy finger foods or strawberry filled champagne glasses, but there are indeed pledges — pledges who are at your service, and who’s to say that’s not convenient? There’s no toilet paper present in any bathrooms, but you will find a creative solution. Bottom line, frat houses play a fundamental part at college. I mean, where else is it okay to throw all of your dignity out the window? So quit complaining and appreciate the dirt covered floors and sweaty basements; just don’t forget to hide your coat some place safe during the winter.
3. Be courteous of your roommate.
Remember, this is the person you are sharing a 12-foot by 15-foot space with, so it is important to abide by the following rules. First, do not be a pig, and clean up after yourself. Second, when you get a text from your roommate that says he or she is occupying the room with an unknown other, stay the fuck out and find some place else to go. And lastly, do not borrow anything without asking, especially food. Caution: taking away one’s food leads to emotional breakdowns and extreme hunger.
4. Do not let drunk-goggles fool you.
The person eyeing you from the other side of the room that ultimately wants to suck your face is way, way below your standards, and you will regret it in the morning. Now, I know it is tough to differ a 4 from an 8 after the shades are thrown on, but this decision can make or break you. Basically, the key here is to think about whether or not you would be mentally stable seeing this person lying next to you when you wake up. If you are not, bolt.
5. Taking Adderall will give you an enjoyable learning experience.
In fact, I am on it right now, and let me tell you, my brain is stimulated. I am a power machine on a mission with thoughts and ideas forming each second. It’s quite magical, but, you cannot, repeat cannot, wait until finals week to go looking for such a miracle. If I have learned anything from Economics class it’s that in an area of high demand, there will be a low supply. So, be smart, and plan ahead.
6. Freshmen guys do not believe in girlfriends.
Supposedly, this is the year they are finally going to get laid by as many girls as they see fit. And why do they actually believe this croc of bullshit? I cannot tell you why or who the source of such information is, but I can advise all of you to steer clear of catching feelings for one of them. Doing so is unsafe and possibly fatal. So ladies, try going older, you might find some luck in another department.
7. It does not matter how fancy you think you are, there will come a point in time where the only choice left will be that of Crown Russe or Burnetts Vodka, also known as world’s worst liquor.
This conclusion is a simple case of what being a college student truly is. To put it nicely, you will be poor. Rather, you will know what it feels like to have to save money, and therefore, result to buying cheaper liquor. Yes, reality sucks, so just take a deep breath, slam that shot back quickly, and it will all be okay.
8. You will have at least one professor that does not even sound like he or she is speaking anything remotely close to English.
In the event that this occurs, you must first make the realization that you are going to fail the class regardless. After that, all hope is crushed, and the good news comes when you don’t have another class to worry about. However, there is of course, a way to prevent this terrifying issue from ensuing — make use of Rate My Professor. It will tell you all you need to know.
9. Do not underestimate the power of the walk of shame.
Being that girl who walks home in a dress and hooker heels the next morning will get more than just a few stares. In fact, that girl becomes the school’s entertainment for the morning, and I don’t think anyone would argue against free entertainment. But to my future shame walker, the one and only solution is to be proud, strut your stuff, and walk with your head held high. At least this lets everyone know how you undeniably got some last night because there is absolutely no way to avoid this humiliating spectacle. Though I can recommend that you ask to borrow a sweatshirt from this unknown other’s closet, with no intentions on ever giving it back of course.
10. Do not rush into friendships during Orientation Week.
Anyone you meet the first week of the semester has the potential to either become your best friend, a complete psychopath, or you know, anything in between. Therefore, it is imperative to get to know this future suspect as best you can while getting to know as many other future suspects as well. There is no way to measure where they will exactly stand in the coming weeks, so just keep in mind, time really does tell all.
11. If a guy asks if you would prefer anything “harder” than alcohol, he is not referring to his genitals.
Of course we would like to think that everyone is constantly flirting with us, but sometimes that is just not the case. In college, there are new terms for new things. Cheesy pick-up lines are no longer cheesy pick-up lines. So, save yourself the embarrassment, avoid possible misinterpretations, and learn the lingo.
12. Call your mom.
I see this show up on almost every guide to freshman year, but that’s only because this is a demand from most mothers across the globe. But, If you don’t like listening to your mom, at least listen to me. Calling your mom makes her happy, and you don’t have to admit it, but I know it will make you happy too.