I find myself in a constant state of confusion. I feel happy, content with my life but every day I wake into the light of the morning sun questioning everything. I know questioning things is good, yet I can’t help but wonder if it ever holds me back? Does all this analysis lead to paralysis? I question not only question everything around me but perhaps, most importantly, myself. That can’t be good can it? Or is it? Or am I just over thinking?
These are questions I find myself asking on a daily basis:
- Am I supposed to know what I want to do by now?
- If so, am I supposed to know how to do it?
- If not, will I need to find out soon?
- How do I find out?
- Do I want you?
- Do I want anyone?
- Do I just want wine and chocolate?
- Am I supposed to find things this hard?
- Is it normal to be this confused?
- Are other people this confused?
- Is it okay to ask people if they are confused?
- What do I want for dinner tonight?
- Is it supposed to look like that?
- Am I good enough for this?
- Am I good enough for anything?
- Is that song I just wrote mega cringe?
- I think that song I just wrote was mega cringe…
- Why am I not Joni Mitchell?
- Why am I not Bob Dylan?
- Why am I not Beyoncé?
- Did that person just double take at my face?
- Maybe I look really good today?
- Maybe they think I’m really pretty?
- Or maybe I look like a troll?
- Probably a troll
- What do I want?
This can’t just be me can it?
I think the worst part of it is that it’s all driven by fear. A constant, underlying fear in everything I do. Failure. The Unknown. Being alone. Perhaps most of all the fear of waking up in 20 years time and realizing it all wasn’t worth it. Realising I should have done something else. Realizing I should have loved someone else. Realising all the time and opportunity I wasted. And that is what is truly terrifying.
And it is this that holds me back.
If you’ve ever seen that Friends episode, you’ll get it. Chandler convinces Rachel to overcome her fear and quit her job and go find a carrer she’d love. Released from the deathly grip of the fear she soon finds a job she loves and has a baby and gets off the plane and lives happily ever after with Ross and omg yay. Its about releasing that fear and letting go. Granted, we don’t all look like JenAn and don’t have scriptwriters dictating our lives but STILL. The principle remains.
I only wish I could be like Rachel.
Stop terrifying myself so much with the idea of the future that I’m too afraid to take action in the present. Stop questioning myself so much and give my maimed self-confidence enough time to heal and repair.
I’m capable of great things and I know I am. And so are you. It’s just about belief. And we’ll get there, no fear.