They say love always finds a way, and it does. It finds a way to sneak up on you when you least expect it, a way to slowly engulf every fiber of your being. Love finds a way to take over your mind and actions, but you never know if it’s for the better or for the worst. It’s unpredictable, even when you see it coming. It’s a roller coaster of emotions, and you were no exception.
The thing about falling madly in love with something is that you’re so sure at the time. You feel as if there’s no way there can be anything else that fills your heart with as much passion and bliss as this. But sometimes, no matter how much you think it feels right, it’s just not meant to be. In a cruel twist of fate, life strung us along into thinking we were inseparable, waiting until we were intertwined at our very core to start ripping us apart. When I came to this realization, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
When you’re desperate, you start grasping at anything and everything you can. That’s what I did. Everything I came to know and love between us began fading into dust. Just like any other love-struck fool, I saw hope in the tiny specks of what was left between us. I wanted to take it and turn it into something, anything, close to what we were before. The further and further you got away from me, the more my heart sank deeper into the pits of darkness that was threatening to take your place. I couldn’t tell you how many times my heart filled with warmth at the thought of you, only to be reminded by the harsh reality that you’re not there anymore. As time went on, what was once feelings of cheerful enthusiasm became frigid disdain. The thought of you started to taunt me with what could have been. Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to end?
They say love always finds a way, but they also say all good things come to an end. I felt this rush when I chased you relentlessly in the past. The adrenaline was addicting, and every time I felt like I was getting closer and closer to reaching you. The scramble to be with you kept me on my toes. It kept life exciting. As we grew apart, that buzz turned into desperation. I just couldn’t keep doing it anymore.
Even though there were countless nights where I’ve woken up to see my tear-stained pillowcase, I still love you. All the heartache, pain, and anxiety attacks are still not enough to steer me away from you because, believe or not, I still think about you from time to time. Sometimes a song on the radio will remind me of you, or I’ll run into someone I met while pursuing you. When you pour your heart and soul into something, it’s inevitable that it will become a big part of you, no matter how it turns out in the end. That’s what it is for us.
To the dreams I stopped chasing, maybe it just wasn’t the right time or place. Who knows? What I do know is that you were right for my heart at the time. I may not have been able to be with you in the end, but I learned a lot from the experience. I learned how determined I could be, and how much I can actually achieve. There were weaknesses I never knew I had that I learned to manage. Most importantly, I learned how to be strong without you.
Maybe we’ll meet again. Whether it’s in this life or the next, I’ll still greet you with a smile. You’re still a part of me. You always will be. But for now, I’ve made peace with the fact we’ve gone our separate ways. This chase has come to an end.
Until next time, if there is one,
The woman who stopped chasing after you